The privilege of a calm mind

I am a jellyfish.

When every road feels traveled
And we get lost in struggle
When the whole world’s unraveling
Well, it’s just fear messing with us
- “Just Fear,” Dan Mangum

There have been a handful of times in my life when I have experienced such intense emotional distress that it becomes physical. When my mind and heart ache so badly that existing as myself in that moment feels impossible.

One of those times was just after an abortion when I was 17. I experienced it several times in 2014 during my divorce, including one time when I had what I did not realize at the time was a panic attack in the parking lot of the building where I work. My vision became spotty, I couldn’t breathe or unclench my fists, and thought/kinda hoped I might be dying.

The most recent experience was this past weekend.

*****

I planned a home birth when pregnant with my youngest child, Charlie. On the advice of my fantastic midwife, I signed myself and my then-husband up for hypnobirthing classes with a sweet woman called Jill.

After two hospital births featuring epidurals, I was terrified of a drug-free childbirth in the old parsons house we were renting about thirty minutes from the nearest hospital and was arming myself with all the natural childbirth information I could find.

I admit I was initially skeptical but, turns out, hypnobirthing worked better than I ever thought it would, for more than Charlie’s birth.