He sued YOU for child support? Girl... I want to send my attorney to you. *low-key rage stroke*
Who's obsessed with money now? 🧐
As someone who has money trauma, I'm glad you're writing and I'm happy to pay. I worked 9-5s and waited tables at night and bartended weekends until I was 40 when my business started picking up. We hustle because we have to, because someone has to pay the bills and be the adult. I am done relying on other people to pay my way. People tend to forget that the ones "obsessed with money" are coming from a place of trauma and protecting our kids from experiencing that same trauma. That I'd rather have the bills paid than whine about my art on my socials. I would rather be responsible for my triumphs and failures, rather than point the finger at everyone else, sneering hollow putdowns whilst feeling sorry for myself.
But? that's just me. I don't get off on crying into my own personal pan pizza.
Also. I still have NYT and the Atlantic and will copy paste you anything you want to read.
I really appreciate the message you sent with the pledge to subscribe, Kate. Didn't even know you could do that on Substack, the pledge thing. Out of nowhere, it really sparked something positive for me during what's been a really tough time. Thank you so much the support. We've had a helluva strange internet run over all these years, haven't we?
Life is a wild ride of growing and changing into the people we were when we took our first steps. My quote for middle age is " “Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”
― Rumi
It's been a strange internet run with many moments I'm certainly not proud of, but sure am glad you're still here :)
I don't know how to email you or message you via Substack and I want to go into a spiral of explaining how I'm NOT stupid, I can figure things out, etc. In any case, I just said to my husband the other day that I probably should get a weekend job, that I felt so alive working in restaurants growing up, and when we were low on money when he took that that job in sports....and maybe I could feel that way doing something now while also finding a way to keep my kids in the activities that I'm pretty sure keep them sane. Just went through the whole fun of combing through finances, canceling every subscription, teaching my husband and kids to use reader view on the paywall sites that still have that loophole, wondering what we could sell to dig us out of the hole that sporadic and sometimes long periods of my husband's unemployment have buried us in, not to say I haven't helped with my "I WORK SO HARD I DESERVE THIS" self-talk when I need something, anything to fill whatever hole has be growing since my youth.
All of this to say, I won’t be subscribing but it isn't because I don't find your writing valuable. I don't subscribe to anyone's anything right now. But I admire your hustle, even if I hate that you need to have any "side hustle," or whatever the youngsters have labeled extra work these days.
I read your ex's (free) stuff, too. I don't have an opinion on right and wrong, and based on my path and decisions, my opinion wouldn't matter even if I had one. But your post wasn't about THAT. Maybe it was, but I took something totally different from it. I'm taking a little bit of inspiration and advice from it. Yeah, I should probably get a second job in a fast paced environment where the work quiets my mind and in another universe, it all becomes zen. But no, I should not go back to serving where I have to interact with people. Which is a good thing because at 37 living in Los Angeles, I'm not even sure I could get a server gig with this deep scowl line between my eyebrows.
Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment, Kerri. I've gotta say, restaurant work is hard work but it really does get you going, doesn't it? It was such a wild change of pace from the work I've been doing for the past couple decades. Plus it feels really fun to interact with people closer to my kids' age than mine. They were so funny and supportive and easy to be around. I was shocked at how much I liked being there in spite of having to work on the weekend. Have you watched The Bear on Hulu? I bet you'd really dig it.
I watched The Bear of your rec and WOW! First, love that they pretty much only show BOH. Really unique perspective to have a show centered around a restaurant and not show any customer service scenes. I was blown away by that al anon scene in the last espisode. I love poetry and the scene felt so much like some of the best spoken word stuff I've seen live. Doubt my thoughts are all that unique but wanted to thank you for pointing me towards the show!
Write no posts a month. Or ten posts a month. Or one post every three years? We are here. And we honor and value your truth. A truth that stands lush and light-filled on its own. I’m so glad you’re back. We need you, we love you. Let’s go.
Best $50 I’ve spent (lately). My jaw literally dropped when I read that he sued you for child support. Long time reader, and always impressed with your honesty, humor, and survival mentality. My youngest goes to kindergarten in the fall, and I get to recreate myself and enter the work world again (I didn’t have my babies till my 40’s, for some reason I feel like I have to explain that I worked for 20 years before I was a SAHM). Good luck!
PS When you used to blog more regularly, I always wondered why your ex didn’t get a job...teach guitar, delivery pizzas, dig ditches ...do something.
Thank you for this! I had my kids in my thirties, my last at 37, and I really like being an older mom. I don’t know how my friends who had kids in their twenties did it! I feel far better equipped to parent now than in my twenties.
Wow... I knew something was amiss when I happened upon the children's father writing some, ahem, things about his life situation. I do not subscribe to read his writing... because... I do not want to.
He has a gift, but I'm going to stay away from his viewpoint for a while. Anyway, I have read -your- writing since the very very beginning and have always appreciated your stories! This last entry was peppered with 'I'm the girl who...' so it read like in Olden Blog Times. Put down the words on the screen 'cause I'll be there with you!
Thank you for reading, I really appreciate it, Karen. The internet pulls folks in a million directions, not to mention regular life stuff we all gotta do every day, so I feel super grateful for your time and support.
Due to being unbearably pedantic and having raised children in a 50/50 custody arrangement in Ohio, I had to look up the statutes in PA to see how in the world he can get child support from you and found this:
"Yes, if you earn more than the child's other parent, you will need to pay child support in Pennsylvania even if you have 50/50 custody ."
This is insane to me. No parent should be financially obligated to the other when time and responsibility is equally shared. This man made his own choices and decided a long time ago that gainful employment was not a priority to him so it really sticks in my craw that you have to suffer financially for his lack of motivation and responsibility.
Subscribed! I will always follow your writing and I’m super happy to pay for it and help support you. As always, so grateful for your perspective over all these years.
Thank you so much. I am really blown away by the response! The internet bums me out in so many ways and I walk away from it as much as I can and then things like this remind me that it can be a really beautiful way to connect and support each other.
Thank you! I have been avoiding the internet and forgot how validating and grounding sharing stories with other women can be. I really appreciate your support.
I cannot believe he's sued you, either (checking in a decade or so later). I just cannot fathom the system that lets men do this- shared custody and you have to pay for him? It's heartbreaking and have too many girlfriends (2 is enough) going through the same with no one even believing this is possible. Of course you could write on 400 topics, but this one would definitely be a public service. Am so sorry. I would not handle that well.
Hi, thank you for this. I also recently found out that if I get fired (not laid off) or I voluntarily quit my job I still have to pay his child support. Meaning, my life is not my own; I have to work to sustain his lifestyle, regardless of his employment or non-employment choices.
I went to his blog to see if he had written about it. One thing that kills me that they keep it so quiet (in the cases I know closer, too). Be proud, dude! Where's the money coming from? (I think of how dads when I grew up were greeted like kings coming home from their jobs, to not have to move after 5.10pm.) Or, as I cannot imagine you having to deal with, their families being just fine with it. It's obviously a big F U from the courts to working women. The cases I knew- he developed a secret heron addiction, drained 240k from a shared account, still got alimony in the divorce (that he never mentioned as he posted about traveling the world- no kids). Another: he also drained an account buying a secret boat, and now refuses to leave the house and moved his mother in. He's never really worked, so he and his mom are both are living off the one working mom. The one thing family court is good at is protecting itself, but sometimes, slowly, panels on these issues at their little conferences start to wake them up. But never if they keep it all so quiet. Anyway, I am so sorry. I hate that on the one hand some types are right about not partnering with men like this from the get, and that on the other, that these same men then fool all the judges and their stupid public if the woman who took him on gets to pay. So unjust. So sorry.
He sued YOU for child support? Girl... I want to send my attorney to you. *low-key rage stroke*
Who's obsessed with money now? 🧐
As someone who has money trauma, I'm glad you're writing and I'm happy to pay. I worked 9-5s and waited tables at night and bartended weekends until I was 40 when my business started picking up. We hustle because we have to, because someone has to pay the bills and be the adult. I am done relying on other people to pay my way. People tend to forget that the ones "obsessed with money" are coming from a place of trauma and protecting our kids from experiencing that same trauma. That I'd rather have the bills paid than whine about my art on my socials. I would rather be responsible for my triumphs and failures, rather than point the finger at everyone else, sneering hollow putdowns whilst feeling sorry for myself.
But? that's just me. I don't get off on crying into my own personal pan pizza.
Also. I still have NYT and the Atlantic and will copy paste you anything you want to read.
And?
I still value your perspective.
I really appreciate the message you sent with the pledge to subscribe, Kate. Didn't even know you could do that on Substack, the pledge thing. Out of nowhere, it really sparked something positive for me during what's been a really tough time. Thank you so much the support. We've had a helluva strange internet run over all these years, haven't we?
Life is a wild ride of growing and changing into the people we were when we took our first steps. My quote for middle age is " “Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”
― Rumi
It's been a strange internet run with many moments I'm certainly not proud of, but sure am glad you're still here :)
Long time reader - happy to pay to continue. Cannot fucking believe he sued you.
Same, same, same.
Where's YOUR Substack, Rydzy?!
Thanks for the support! I really appreciate it so much.
I don't know how to email you or message you via Substack and I want to go into a spiral of explaining how I'm NOT stupid, I can figure things out, etc. In any case, I just said to my husband the other day that I probably should get a weekend job, that I felt so alive working in restaurants growing up, and when we were low on money when he took that that job in sports....and maybe I could feel that way doing something now while also finding a way to keep my kids in the activities that I'm pretty sure keep them sane. Just went through the whole fun of combing through finances, canceling every subscription, teaching my husband and kids to use reader view on the paywall sites that still have that loophole, wondering what we could sell to dig us out of the hole that sporadic and sometimes long periods of my husband's unemployment have buried us in, not to say I haven't helped with my "I WORK SO HARD I DESERVE THIS" self-talk when I need something, anything to fill whatever hole has be growing since my youth.
All of this to say, I won’t be subscribing but it isn't because I don't find your writing valuable. I don't subscribe to anyone's anything right now. But I admire your hustle, even if I hate that you need to have any "side hustle," or whatever the youngsters have labeled extra work these days.
I read your ex's (free) stuff, too. I don't have an opinion on right and wrong, and based on my path and decisions, my opinion wouldn't matter even if I had one. But your post wasn't about THAT. Maybe it was, but I took something totally different from it. I'm taking a little bit of inspiration and advice from it. Yeah, I should probably get a second job in a fast paced environment where the work quiets my mind and in another universe, it all becomes zen. But no, I should not go back to serving where I have to interact with people. Which is a good thing because at 37 living in Los Angeles, I'm not even sure I could get a server gig with this deep scowl line between my eyebrows.
Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment, Kerri. I've gotta say, restaurant work is hard work but it really does get you going, doesn't it? It was such a wild change of pace from the work I've been doing for the past couple decades. Plus it feels really fun to interact with people closer to my kids' age than mine. They were so funny and supportive and easy to be around. I was shocked at how much I liked being there in spite of having to work on the weekend. Have you watched The Bear on Hulu? I bet you'd really dig it.
I watched The Bear of your rec and WOW! First, love that they pretty much only show BOH. Really unique perspective to have a show centered around a restaurant and not show any customer service scenes. I was blown away by that al anon scene in the last espisode. I love poetry and the scene felt so much like some of the best spoken word stuff I've seen live. Doubt my thoughts are all that unique but wanted to thank you for pointing me towards the show!
Write no posts a month. Or ten posts a month. Or one post every three years? We are here. And we honor and value your truth. A truth that stands lush and light-filled on its own. I’m so glad you’re back. We need you, we love you. Let’s go.
Oh, you. You always say and write the best things. I love you the most.
Love your writing, will definitely subscribe x
Thank you so much, Nicola. I appreciate your time and the kind words!
Cannot believe he will only communicate through the courts, just awful. https://www.midpenn.org/
I'd really like to subscribe, but I don't have the funds to do that long term. Also have no idea how to email you.
Very glad you are back writing again, sorry for what you are going through.
Thank you for this! You can email me at despiertatemonica at gmail dot com.
Best $50 I’ve spent (lately). My jaw literally dropped when I read that he sued you for child support. Long time reader, and always impressed with your honesty, humor, and survival mentality. My youngest goes to kindergarten in the fall, and I get to recreate myself and enter the work world again (I didn’t have my babies till my 40’s, for some reason I feel like I have to explain that I worked for 20 years before I was a SAHM). Good luck!
PS When you used to blog more regularly, I always wondered why your ex didn’t get a job...teach guitar, delivery pizzas, dig ditches ...do something.
Thank you for this! I had my kids in my thirties, my last at 37, and I really like being an older mom. I don’t know how my friends who had kids in their twenties did it! I feel far better equipped to parent now than in my twenties.
Wow... I knew something was amiss when I happened upon the children's father writing some, ahem, things about his life situation. I do not subscribe to read his writing... because... I do not want to.
He has a gift, but I'm going to stay away from his viewpoint for a while. Anyway, I have read -your- writing since the very very beginning and have always appreciated your stories! This last entry was peppered with 'I'm the girl who...' so it read like in Olden Blog Times. Put down the words on the screen 'cause I'll be there with you!
Thank you for reading, I really appreciate it, Karen. The internet pulls folks in a million directions, not to mention regular life stuff we all gotta do every day, so I feel super grateful for your time and support.
Due to being unbearably pedantic and having raised children in a 50/50 custody arrangement in Ohio, I had to look up the statutes in PA to see how in the world he can get child support from you and found this:
"Yes, if you earn more than the child's other parent, you will need to pay child support in Pennsylvania even if you have 50/50 custody ."
This is insane to me. No parent should be financially obligated to the other when time and responsibility is equally shared. This man made his own choices and decided a long time ago that gainful employment was not a priority to him so it really sticks in my craw that you have to suffer financially for his lack of motivation and responsibility.
I'm so sorry, Monica. This is so unfair to you.
Subscribed! I will always follow your writing and I’m super happy to pay for it and help support you. As always, so grateful for your perspective over all these years.
Thank you so much. I am really blown away by the response! The internet bums me out in so many ways and I walk away from it as much as I can and then things like this remind me that it can be a really beautiful way to connect and support each other.
The girl who… ♥️ Always loved your writing and I am happy to contribute to read your musings about life. I always come away with a new perspective.
Thank you! I have been avoiding the internet and forgot how validating and grounding sharing stories with other women can be. I really appreciate your support.
I cannot believe he's sued you, either (checking in a decade or so later). I just cannot fathom the system that lets men do this- shared custody and you have to pay for him? It's heartbreaking and have too many girlfriends (2 is enough) going through the same with no one even believing this is possible. Of course you could write on 400 topics, but this one would definitely be a public service. Am so sorry. I would not handle that well.
Hi, thank you for this. I also recently found out that if I get fired (not laid off) or I voluntarily quit my job I still have to pay his child support. Meaning, my life is not my own; I have to work to sustain his lifestyle, regardless of his employment or non-employment choices.
I went to his blog to see if he had written about it. One thing that kills me that they keep it so quiet (in the cases I know closer, too). Be proud, dude! Where's the money coming from? (I think of how dads when I grew up were greeted like kings coming home from their jobs, to not have to move after 5.10pm.) Or, as I cannot imagine you having to deal with, their families being just fine with it. It's obviously a big F U from the courts to working women. The cases I knew- he developed a secret heron addiction, drained 240k from a shared account, still got alimony in the divorce (that he never mentioned as he posted about traveling the world- no kids). Another: he also drained an account buying a secret boat, and now refuses to leave the house and moved his mother in. He's never really worked, so he and his mom are both are living off the one working mom. The one thing family court is good at is protecting itself, but sometimes, slowly, panels on these issues at their little conferences start to wake them up. But never if they keep it all so quiet. Anyway, I am so sorry. I hate that on the one hand some types are right about not partnering with men like this from the get, and that on the other, that these same men then fool all the judges and their stupid public if the woman who took him on gets to pay. So unjust. So sorry.