As I’m sitting here in my gym after walking in circles around the track for 38 minutes with a bunch of senior citizens (and their aides) I’ll tell you that I love receiving an email from you. Just like when I was a kid and reached into the mailbox after school to see if my Highlights, then a few years later, my Seventeen, magazine arrived. It’s a nice surprise and an even nicer reason to sit down and have quiet reading time. This is my last year in my 40’s, so I can relate to being in the middle (of life) or just the middle of my emotions.
So I don’t have kids/am single and may have read your previous work only once in a blue moon. I came across you again when Dooce passed away and subscribed. You have a great voice and the things you describe here that you do in your day-to-day life seem really lovely. Birds are cool and feeders are a great way to interact with them. Having a really great therapist (which it sounds like you’ve found) is super amazing. Having found and been helped by a few great therapists myself, I’m glad for you. I obv don’t know you IRL but it sounds like dropping a diagnosis is a sign of your growth. People can change and you are! I don’t know where I’m going with this but keep going and keep writing, I enjoy it!
One last random thought, not sure if this helps, a long time ago I worked front desk at a couple of fitness clubs. Other than generally watching people exercise in a sense of “ok everyone’s ok, no one is hurt or passed out” I never paid attention to people exercising and when I wasn’t doing front desk tasks I would generally often look out across the fitness floor.
Always a pleasure to hear from you! I was just thinking about you yesterday and wondering when you might post something again. As always, your words make me think. I am grateful for that and the fact that I found your writing again after losing you for a little while (when you stopped blogging). Thanks for your continued insights.
Oct 13, 2023·edited Oct 13, 2023Liked by Monica Danielle
You know what I learned today? That when you have intrusive thoughts from trauma (and let's be real, this situation is traumatic) that you should play Tetris. It reduces those thoughts and it's interesting because I've been playing tetris before bed for years and was kind of ashamed to admit that it helps me sleep.
Anyhoodle, I love your voice and you. You're a good egg, Mons. I look forward to your new posts!
I think I have been reading your essays for about 20 years and always enjoy your perspectives. The pain of the ‘in your head argument’! Can so relate but yes agree as we get older it’s easier to snap out of it. Sending love 🤍
I'm a fellow getting-old, and finding the joy of a morning cup of coffee before everyone else in the house wakes felt like leveling up - a trick I happily carried from my 30s into my 40s. Thanks for sharing your writing, for so many years. This year has been rather heavy, and I'm so sorry that you've been dealing with heaviness, too. Someone I love very much is also going through something that might be similar to your situation (what little I know of it), and it's just heartbreaking sometimes how little we understand other people. I've been following your writing for many years and I'm grateful for all that you've shared.
I too loathe gyms so congrats on going there. It is the being inside surrounded by those much more able and knowledgeable that throws me. I prefer getting outside to see the seasons whilst running or going to reformer Pilates which is brutal but brilliant - and like you my motives are now all about maintaining strength (having turned 50) and less about looking slimmer. So yay that you have begun! I think you will stick at it. Also it is no mean feat to have stuck at therapy. Sitting with pain is so hard. Acknowledging and understanding our reactions is painful. Enlightening sure, but it means admitting needs weren’t met, boundaries not kept, voids created - that we have tried to quieten or drown out with all kinds of methods - usually to our own detriment. But there is something so comforting in bringing it all to light and sorting through our emotional closets. For me therapy is a messy closet - we re box and file away the items we no longer need. Chuck stuff that no longer fits. Bring out the new. We can never erase our pasts, never fully dispose of those old clothes but we can box them away in a box labelled ‘no longer serves me.’ I wish I could afford more! It’s expensive in the UK.
So much to say about letting go… I have often written letters to people to get out what I need to express. Then, I don’t send them. But there is a release of having said it all - because as you say, they won’t want to hear it anyway… That is the hardest part in breakdowns of friendships and relationships - that often the most important stuff is never said. But the thing is the people who don’t do the work on themselves - who don’t have the closet clear out - aren’t receptive to anything because they need to cling tightly to their own beliefs - like a castaway on a small float. They hang on for dear life because to try and communicate or discuss rationing would mean owning their part in the breakdown - and they can’t do that - they need to be right… that way they don’t have negotiate the gnarly messy closet.
I’m a reader of gosh - 20 years next year. 2004 I found you. You saved me in a very important way back in 2013 - helping get a job that allowed me to transition for full time script editor to work from home writer. That Babble money supported me. I miss writing there… I’m entering my older stage too where a dog walk or a cold water swim mean more to me than any glitzy tv party. I find my extroverted self becoming more happy at home… My nights of hitting the tiles in London long gone. The simpler my life is the happier I am. I’m proud of you Monica for all you have done and how beautifully you tell us about it all. I’m incapable of being friends with anyone who cannot be vulnerable, cannot admit failings and fears. Please never stop writing because we all care about you so much and are grateful you let us into your life. X
Love the taking BPD out of your file! When I was 20 I diagnosed myself with BPD, read a lot on DBT, went through dozens of therapists/shrinks/diagnoses as I changed jobs or insurance or my mind. Only in the last few years was I correctly diagnosed with CPTSD, which I'm told is just a step down from BPD? Work in progress but I still jump as if a killer clown emerged from the shadows whenever someone says hello to me. The hypervigilance is real.
Anyway, your talk of gratitude made me think of the first little 12 minute meditation from 7 Days of Happiness on the Calm app. It made me feel so warm to sit there feeling grateful for my sense of smell, for my therapist, and for everything else as it guided me through. If you don't have a subscription and have any interest, I still have one of my five shares left!
I've only been reading for the last 14 years or so. Really glad I finally subscribed the other day. I love your writing and your journey.
As I’m sitting here in my gym after walking in circles around the track for 38 minutes with a bunch of senior citizens (and their aides) I’ll tell you that I love receiving an email from you. Just like when I was a kid and reached into the mailbox after school to see if my Highlights, then a few years later, my Seventeen, magazine arrived. It’s a nice surprise and an even nicer reason to sit down and have quiet reading time. This is my last year in my 40’s, so I can relate to being in the middle (of life) or just the middle of my emotions.
So I don’t have kids/am single and may have read your previous work only once in a blue moon. I came across you again when Dooce passed away and subscribed. You have a great voice and the things you describe here that you do in your day-to-day life seem really lovely. Birds are cool and feeders are a great way to interact with them. Having a really great therapist (which it sounds like you’ve found) is super amazing. Having found and been helped by a few great therapists myself, I’m glad for you. I obv don’t know you IRL but it sounds like dropping a diagnosis is a sign of your growth. People can change and you are! I don’t know where I’m going with this but keep going and keep writing, I enjoy it!
One last random thought, not sure if this helps, a long time ago I worked front desk at a couple of fitness clubs. Other than generally watching people exercise in a sense of “ok everyone’s ok, no one is hurt or passed out” I never paid attention to people exercising and when I wasn’t doing front desk tasks I would generally often look out across the fitness floor.
Always a pleasure to hear from you! I was just thinking about you yesterday and wondering when you might post something again. As always, your words make me think. I am grateful for that and the fact that I found your writing again after losing you for a little while (when you stopped blogging). Thanks for your continued insights.
You know what I learned today? That when you have intrusive thoughts from trauma (and let's be real, this situation is traumatic) that you should play Tetris. It reduces those thoughts and it's interesting because I've been playing tetris before bed for years and was kind of ashamed to admit that it helps me sleep.
Anyhoodle, I love your voice and you. You're a good egg, Mons. I look forward to your new posts!
I think I have been reading your essays for about 20 years and always enjoy your perspectives. The pain of the ‘in your head argument’! Can so relate but yes agree as we get older it’s easier to snap out of it. Sending love 🤍
I'm a fellow getting-old, and finding the joy of a morning cup of coffee before everyone else in the house wakes felt like leveling up - a trick I happily carried from my 30s into my 40s. Thanks for sharing your writing, for so many years. This year has been rather heavy, and I'm so sorry that you've been dealing with heaviness, too. Someone I love very much is also going through something that might be similar to your situation (what little I know of it), and it's just heartbreaking sometimes how little we understand other people. I've been following your writing for many years and I'm grateful for all that you've shared.
I too loathe gyms so congrats on going there. It is the being inside surrounded by those much more able and knowledgeable that throws me. I prefer getting outside to see the seasons whilst running or going to reformer Pilates which is brutal but brilliant - and like you my motives are now all about maintaining strength (having turned 50) and less about looking slimmer. So yay that you have begun! I think you will stick at it. Also it is no mean feat to have stuck at therapy. Sitting with pain is so hard. Acknowledging and understanding our reactions is painful. Enlightening sure, but it means admitting needs weren’t met, boundaries not kept, voids created - that we have tried to quieten or drown out with all kinds of methods - usually to our own detriment. But there is something so comforting in bringing it all to light and sorting through our emotional closets. For me therapy is a messy closet - we re box and file away the items we no longer need. Chuck stuff that no longer fits. Bring out the new. We can never erase our pasts, never fully dispose of those old clothes but we can box them away in a box labelled ‘no longer serves me.’ I wish I could afford more! It’s expensive in the UK.
So much to say about letting go… I have often written letters to people to get out what I need to express. Then, I don’t send them. But there is a release of having said it all - because as you say, they won’t want to hear it anyway… That is the hardest part in breakdowns of friendships and relationships - that often the most important stuff is never said. But the thing is the people who don’t do the work on themselves - who don’t have the closet clear out - aren’t receptive to anything because they need to cling tightly to their own beliefs - like a castaway on a small float. They hang on for dear life because to try and communicate or discuss rationing would mean owning their part in the breakdown - and they can’t do that - they need to be right… that way they don’t have negotiate the gnarly messy closet.
I’m a reader of gosh - 20 years next year. 2004 I found you. You saved me in a very important way back in 2013 - helping get a job that allowed me to transition for full time script editor to work from home writer. That Babble money supported me. I miss writing there… I’m entering my older stage too where a dog walk or a cold water swim mean more to me than any glitzy tv party. I find my extroverted self becoming more happy at home… My nights of hitting the tiles in London long gone. The simpler my life is the happier I am. I’m proud of you Monica for all you have done and how beautifully you tell us about it all. I’m incapable of being friends with anyone who cannot be vulnerable, cannot admit failings and fears. Please never stop writing because we all care about you so much and are grateful you let us into your life. X
Love the taking BPD out of your file! When I was 20 I diagnosed myself with BPD, read a lot on DBT, went through dozens of therapists/shrinks/diagnoses as I changed jobs or insurance or my mind. Only in the last few years was I correctly diagnosed with CPTSD, which I'm told is just a step down from BPD? Work in progress but I still jump as if a killer clown emerged from the shadows whenever someone says hello to me. The hypervigilance is real.
Anyway, your talk of gratitude made me think of the first little 12 minute meditation from 7 Days of Happiness on the Calm app. It made me feel so warm to sit there feeling grateful for my sense of smell, for my therapist, and for everything else as it guided me through. If you don't have a subscription and have any interest, I still have one of my five shares left!
I've only been reading for the last 14 years or so. Really glad I finally subscribed the other day. I love your writing and your journey.