It's all about perspective, isn't it? And realizing that the hater's hate isn't really about you, but about them, puts the relationship into the correct perspective. It's like a bully and their mark - it has nothing, really, to do with the bullied person and everything to do with the bully. And being a bully, or a hater, would be miserable. The kind of anger a person has to hang on to to hate another person for an unreasonable amount of time is life-sucking. It'll eat a person up from the inside out. And being in a relationship like that, even if it's with someone you'll always love, is no place to be when you have your own shit to worry about.
I deal with people in my business. I had an employee a few years ago who could NOT handle any perceived lack of respect from customers. I kept trying to teach her about perspective - it's not about YOU, it's about them - and she never learned. She was so concerned with how people saw her (and her perception was very skewed) that it negatively affected relationships around her. Having insightful, realistic perspectives in relationships is so important for mental health, and contentment in life.
Perception IS everything. I wonder if she has BPD? Other people’s opinions have consumed me for much of my life and you focus far more on the negative opinions which spark overreactions like it sounds like your employee experienced.
At one point after my diagnosis I began going through all my relationships, including those from work, trying to see them with a wider perspective of my BPD diagnosis and I realize my whole life has been tainted by it. Even now, when I experience what I feel is a valid emotional reaction to something (and I’m much better at controlling my emotions these days) I still run it past Cory to make sure I’m not overreacting.
Thank you for reading and commenting! It makes me so happy to see your name here!
Monica, it has taken me 48 years to realise that we can’t control how other people feel or what they do - we can only control our reactions to them. That’s it. Once we accept ourselves for who we are, whatever issues the other person has is THEIR SHIT. It may be transference - you remind them of their mother/teacher whatever, it may be they expect you to fulfil a certain role or be a certain way and won’t accept less, it may be they are projecting their fears and anger at themselves on you. I’ve been training as a counsellor for 4 years and during this have had to let go of people I love and watch people who love me let me go too. I have changed. I accept me and if they have issue? Well, as long as I am being congruent and honest and kind, then frankly - it’s their problem. I ask myself this one question about everything I do: how does it serve me? Hanging on to hatred myself doesn’t. So I feel compassion towards those who I feel wronged me. I don’t hold grudges. Those that hold them against me? Their choice. Life is forever shifting. You are doing incredible work on yourself. It’s brave and inspiring. Big hug. Beautiful words. Be kind to yourself. Xx
Hi! I have found that turning to the science of things when I’m lost in the emotionality of it has been super helpful. Understanding how the brain and emotions work and how it all affects your physical response is priceless in any situation. Instead of just experiencing anxiety e.g. tightening chest and racing thoughts, you can mindfully walk yourself through the facts. “Oh, my brain is doing this to my body based on seeing this person I have taught my body to fear because I have developed negative thought patterns about them but I am 100% ok right now. Nothing is wrong. Deep breaths.”
There’s also this thing called loving-kindness mediation you can use to reduce stress by thinking kind thought and feeling compassion for others, even and most especially those who have hurt you in some way. It may sound a little woo woo but it really helps decrease the negative bias which, in turn, decreases your physiological response. Thank you for reading and commenting!
I have thoughts on this...... As a step-parent, I have been hated by someone very deeply... smoe anger deserved, but a lot of the vitriol was unwarranted and had nothing to do with me. I'm not a person who practices sobriety, but I grew up with a couple of recovering alcoholics who practice the steps daily, for over 40 years. The serenity prayer has been my mantra over the past few years of trying to get my brain well, my intentions true, and my head clear.
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference, living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; taking this world as it is and not as I would have it; trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will"
I'm not a God person, but I feel these words ring true for all. Also, I looked to the 8th step to help me get through this process.. To make amends to those I have hurt with my behavior and lack of compassion. However, in making amends, we're not guaranteed forgiveness, and that's okay. The only part of this you can control is your part.
As I head into 20 years of being step-parent, I can say things are much calmer than they were, We're all older. We're all wiser. We've all realized this isn't about the parents, but the combined love, advocacy, and allyship we have when it comes to the kids.
I'm not a god person either but have always deeply appreciated the serenity prayer as well. I replace "god" with universe or energy or whatever and it's a solid message. I also really appreciate your perspective and wisdom on step-parenting. Step-parenting and sharing custody has been such a steep learning curve. It's so hard to let go of the way your kids are being parented and the messages they experience half the time. It's a mind fuck for me so I can't imagine what my kids experience in the back and forth of it all but I'm coming to realize kids are super sharp and know what's up so I have really just tried to let them come to me if they're confused or have questions and be as honest but positive as possible and use certain scenarios as life lessons whenever I can.
Good luck to you on your mental wellness journey! I hope it's as rewarding as mine has been. Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to comment!
Thanks gal. It's been a long journey and now with menopause knocking on my door, it's something I'm constantly cognizant of...However? I've never been happier. My forties are ruling the school... it just get so much better and easier when you decide to let go and get to know your own innerworkings... everything else kind of falls into place.
I feel like I’m learning so much via you and your retrospective of your recent past experiences. I made my husband AND therapist read your latest email. My husband, so that when he gets wicked angry out of no where , he knows that it scares the hell out of me, and I gave it to my therapist so she could understand my feelings, similar to yours. I wish we knew earlier how much of our childhoods and the memories of smells, tastes, and feelings would form who we really are as adults. Really interesting piece.
I am so glad you are writing publicly again... just YESTERDAY I was telling my friend how much I loved your ~blog~ and your writing/perspective. I have to say, I enjoy Serge's writing, yet when I saw his moment on GMA talking about the end of his marriage (barf) and it was just a passing comment, I decided to boycott ol' boy's words because, uh, yeah.
I hope you continue on our journey of healing and get yerself to thriving, as I can see you doing!!!! I look forward to anything else you put out for us, and I really like how you have your 'recommendations' at the end of each post.
Hugs and kisses to you, Monica... I've dug your writing since before you had sweet Violet. Aloha~~~~~~
The thing you wrote a few posts back where you said something to the effect of “mostly, I just miss my friend” really gutted me. My ex husband died one year ago, and the grief is like a constant ache right behind my eyes. I miss his friendship, and our mutual adoration of our three children. I know you are grieving, albeit in a different way, a similar relationship. but thank you for your vulnerability. It allows me to be present with my own pain in a gentler way.
yes, well...reflecting on all this, i can say that the older i get, the more i'm coming to recognize that letting go - like soul evolution - is process that has no end. thx for the share.
It's all about perspective, isn't it? And realizing that the hater's hate isn't really about you, but about them, puts the relationship into the correct perspective. It's like a bully and their mark - it has nothing, really, to do with the bullied person and everything to do with the bully. And being a bully, or a hater, would be miserable. The kind of anger a person has to hang on to to hate another person for an unreasonable amount of time is life-sucking. It'll eat a person up from the inside out. And being in a relationship like that, even if it's with someone you'll always love, is no place to be when you have your own shit to worry about.
I deal with people in my business. I had an employee a few years ago who could NOT handle any perceived lack of respect from customers. I kept trying to teach her about perspective - it's not about YOU, it's about them - and she never learned. She was so concerned with how people saw her (and her perception was very skewed) that it negatively affected relationships around her. Having insightful, realistic perspectives in relationships is so important for mental health, and contentment in life.
Perception IS everything. I wonder if she has BPD? Other people’s opinions have consumed me for much of my life and you focus far more on the negative opinions which spark overreactions like it sounds like your employee experienced.
At one point after my diagnosis I began going through all my relationships, including those from work, trying to see them with a wider perspective of my BPD diagnosis and I realize my whole life has been tainted by it. Even now, when I experience what I feel is a valid emotional reaction to something (and I’m much better at controlling my emotions these days) I still run it past Cory to make sure I’m not overreacting.
Thank you for reading and commenting! It makes me so happy to see your name here!
Monica, it has taken me 48 years to realise that we can’t control how other people feel or what they do - we can only control our reactions to them. That’s it. Once we accept ourselves for who we are, whatever issues the other person has is THEIR SHIT. It may be transference - you remind them of their mother/teacher whatever, it may be they expect you to fulfil a certain role or be a certain way and won’t accept less, it may be they are projecting their fears and anger at themselves on you. I’ve been training as a counsellor for 4 years and during this have had to let go of people I love and watch people who love me let me go too. I have changed. I accept me and if they have issue? Well, as long as I am being congruent and honest and kind, then frankly - it’s their problem. I ask myself this one question about everything I do: how does it serve me? Hanging on to hatred myself doesn’t. So I feel compassion towards those who I feel wronged me. I don’t hold grudges. Those that hold them against me? Their choice. Life is forever shifting. You are doing incredible work on yourself. It’s brave and inspiring. Big hug. Beautiful words. Be kind to yourself. Xx
Hey YOU!!! Shit, I’m SO glad you’re here! And listen to you sounding so healthy and therapist-y! So proud of you and hope to follow in your footsteps.
My forties have been really the best time of my life with the exception of this one thing so I totally hear everything you’re saying.
It is time to let it all go and move on. I did my best. Thank you for reading, commenting and validating, my longtime internet friend. Love to you!
Thank you, as always, for this perspective. It's so exhausting trying to do better, isn't it? The hate cycle is good info to ponder though...
Hi! I have found that turning to the science of things when I’m lost in the emotionality of it has been super helpful. Understanding how the brain and emotions work and how it all affects your physical response is priceless in any situation. Instead of just experiencing anxiety e.g. tightening chest and racing thoughts, you can mindfully walk yourself through the facts. “Oh, my brain is doing this to my body based on seeing this person I have taught my body to fear because I have developed negative thought patterns about them but I am 100% ok right now. Nothing is wrong. Deep breaths.”
There’s also this thing called loving-kindness mediation you can use to reduce stress by thinking kind thought and feeling compassion for others, even and most especially those who have hurt you in some way. It may sound a little woo woo but it really helps decrease the negative bias which, in turn, decreases your physiological response. Thank you for reading and commenting!
https://www.ekhartyoga.com/articles/meditation/loving-kindness-meditation-script-and-7-reasons-to-use-it
Love back. I'm a work in progress - aren't we all? Keep sharing, because your honesty is so relatable. And rare. XXX
Thank you so much. I appreciate this more than you know.
I have thoughts on this...... As a step-parent, I have been hated by someone very deeply... smoe anger deserved, but a lot of the vitriol was unwarranted and had nothing to do with me. I'm not a person who practices sobriety, but I grew up with a couple of recovering alcoholics who practice the steps daily, for over 40 years. The serenity prayer has been my mantra over the past few years of trying to get my brain well, my intentions true, and my head clear.
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference, living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; taking this world as it is and not as I would have it; trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will"
I'm not a God person, but I feel these words ring true for all. Also, I looked to the 8th step to help me get through this process.. To make amends to those I have hurt with my behavior and lack of compassion. However, in making amends, we're not guaranteed forgiveness, and that's okay. The only part of this you can control is your part.
As I head into 20 years of being step-parent, I can say things are much calmer than they were, We're all older. We're all wiser. We've all realized this isn't about the parents, but the combined love, advocacy, and allyship we have when it comes to the kids.
It gets easier. Love to you.
I'm not a god person either but have always deeply appreciated the serenity prayer as well. I replace "god" with universe or energy or whatever and it's a solid message. I also really appreciate your perspective and wisdom on step-parenting. Step-parenting and sharing custody has been such a steep learning curve. It's so hard to let go of the way your kids are being parented and the messages they experience half the time. It's a mind fuck for me so I can't imagine what my kids experience in the back and forth of it all but I'm coming to realize kids are super sharp and know what's up so I have really just tried to let them come to me if they're confused or have questions and be as honest but positive as possible and use certain scenarios as life lessons whenever I can.
Good luck to you on your mental wellness journey! I hope it's as rewarding as mine has been. Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to comment!
Thanks gal. It's been a long journey and now with menopause knocking on my door, it's something I'm constantly cognizant of...However? I've never been happier. My forties are ruling the school... it just get so much better and easier when you decide to let go and get to know your own innerworkings... everything else kind of falls into place.
one of the best things i’ve read on the internet in such a long time.
Oh, hey. Wow. Thank you so much for reading and for such an incredible compliment.
Did I just find you on Instagram? Your stuff blows me away. Which makes your compliment even better.
eeekk yes!!! i’m so happy to connect with you! thank you:)
I feel like I’m learning so much via you and your retrospective of your recent past experiences. I made my husband AND therapist read your latest email. My husband, so that when he gets wicked angry out of no where , he knows that it scares the hell out of me, and I gave it to my therapist so she could understand my feelings, similar to yours. I wish we knew earlier how much of our childhoods and the memories of smells, tastes, and feelings would form who we really are as adults. Really interesting piece.
Bonnie! Thanks for reading. So happy you’re finding it helpful. How’s your therapy journey going?
I am so glad you are writing publicly again... just YESTERDAY I was telling my friend how much I loved your ~blog~ and your writing/perspective. I have to say, I enjoy Serge's writing, yet when I saw his moment on GMA talking about the end of his marriage (barf) and it was just a passing comment, I decided to boycott ol' boy's words because, uh, yeah.
I hope you continue on our journey of healing and get yerself to thriving, as I can see you doing!!!! I look forward to anything else you put out for us, and I really like how you have your 'recommendations' at the end of each post.
Hugs and kisses to you, Monica... I've dug your writing since before you had sweet Violet. Aloha~~~~~~
The thing you wrote a few posts back where you said something to the effect of “mostly, I just miss my friend” really gutted me. My ex husband died one year ago, and the grief is like a constant ache right behind my eyes. I miss his friendship, and our mutual adoration of our three children. I know you are grieving, albeit in a different way, a similar relationship. but thank you for your vulnerability. It allows me to be present with my own pain in a gentler way.
yes, well...reflecting on all this, i can say that the older i get, the more i'm coming to recognize that letting go - like soul evolution - is process that has no end. thx for the share.