19 Comments
Apr 9, 2022Liked by Monica Danielle

It's all about perspective, isn't it? And realizing that the hater's hate isn't really about you, but about them, puts the relationship into the correct perspective. It's like a bully and their mark - it has nothing, really, to do with the bullied person and everything to do with the bully. And being a bully, or a hater, would be miserable. The kind of anger a person has to hang on to to hate another person for an unreasonable amount of time is life-sucking. It'll eat a person up from the inside out. And being in a relationship like that, even if it's with someone you'll always love, is no place to be when you have your own shit to worry about.

I deal with people in my business. I had an employee a few years ago who could NOT handle any perceived lack of respect from customers. I kept trying to teach her about perspective - it's not about YOU, it's about them - and she never learned. She was so concerned with how people saw her (and her perception was very skewed) that it negatively affected relationships around her. Having insightful, realistic perspectives in relationships is so important for mental health, and contentment in life.

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Apr 9, 2022Liked by Monica Danielle

Monica, it has taken me 48 years to realise that we can’t control how other people feel or what they do - we can only control our reactions to them. That’s it. Once we accept ourselves for who we are, whatever issues the other person has is THEIR SHIT. It may be transference - you remind them of their mother/teacher whatever, it may be they expect you to fulfil a certain role or be a certain way and won’t accept less, it may be they are projecting their fears and anger at themselves on you. I’ve been training as a counsellor for 4 years and during this have had to let go of people I love and watch people who love me let me go too. I have changed. I accept me and if they have issue? Well, as long as I am being congruent and honest and kind, then frankly - it’s their problem. I ask myself this one question about everything I do: how does it serve me? Hanging on to hatred myself doesn’t. So I feel compassion towards those who I feel wronged me. I don’t hold grudges. Those that hold them against me? Their choice. Life is forever shifting. You are doing incredible work on yourself. It’s brave and inspiring. Big hug. Beautiful words. Be kind to yourself. Xx

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Thank you, as always, for this perspective. It's so exhausting trying to do better, isn't it? The hate cycle is good info to ponder though...

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Apr 9, 2022Liked by Monica Danielle

Love back. I'm a work in progress - aren't we all? Keep sharing, because your honesty is so relatable. And rare. XXX

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Apr 9, 2022Liked by Monica Danielle

I have thoughts on this...... As a step-parent, I have been hated by someone very deeply... smoe anger deserved, but a lot of the vitriol was unwarranted and had nothing to do with me. I'm not a person who practices sobriety, but I grew up with a couple of recovering alcoholics who practice the steps daily, for over 40 years. The serenity prayer has been my mantra over the past few years of trying to get my brain well, my intentions true, and my head clear.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference, living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; taking this world as it is and not as I would have it; trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will"

I'm not a God person, but I feel these words ring true for all. Also, I looked to the 8th step to help me get through this process.. To make amends to those I have hurt with my behavior and lack of compassion. However, in making amends, we're not guaranteed forgiveness, and that's okay. The only part of this you can control is your part.

As I head into 20 years of being step-parent, I can say things are much calmer than they were, We're all older. We're all wiser. We've all realized this isn't about the parents, but the combined love, advocacy, and allyship we have when it comes to the kids.

It gets easier. Love to you.

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one of the best things i’ve read on the internet in such a long time.

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I feel like I’m learning so much via you and your retrospective of your recent past experiences. I made my husband AND therapist read your latest email. My husband, so that when he gets wicked angry out of no where , he knows that it scares the hell out of me, and I gave it to my therapist so she could understand my feelings, similar to yours. I wish we knew earlier how much of our childhoods and the memories of smells, tastes, and feelings would form who we really are as adults. Really interesting piece.

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I am so glad you are writing publicly again... just YESTERDAY I was telling my friend how much I loved your ~blog~ and your writing/perspective. I have to say, I enjoy Serge's writing, yet when I saw his moment on GMA talking about the end of his marriage (barf) and it was just a passing comment, I decided to boycott ol' boy's words because, uh, yeah.

I hope you continue on our journey of healing and get yerself to thriving, as I can see you doing!!!! I look forward to anything else you put out for us, and I really like how you have your 'recommendations' at the end of each post.

Hugs and kisses to you, Monica... I've dug your writing since before you had sweet Violet. Aloha~~~~~~

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The thing you wrote a few posts back where you said something to the effect of “mostly, I just miss my friend” really gutted me. My ex husband died one year ago, and the grief is like a constant ache right behind my eyes. I miss his friendship, and our mutual adoration of our three children. I know you are grieving, albeit in a different way, a similar relationship. but thank you for your vulnerability. It allows me to be present with my own pain in a gentler way.

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