A great look back to nostalgia... I have always always had a hard time with this since being a kid who moved around with an family in the US Air Force, I would hold onto my memories HARD. We would never know when our bestfriends would move, or if we would be the ones to be sent elsewhere. Add in a dad who was a pilot, and who was gone from home--- a LOT---- it seemed as though memories were all we had sometimes. You reiterate a good reminder to simply be present... because if we aren't, we're just treading water (which is hard and gets you nowhere).. aloha~~~~
Yes! My problem is that I let the memories influence me in the present, if that makes sense. Nice memories are nice memories if we can leave it at that. It's when it starts messing with my head in the now that trouble begins. Because circumstances change and the people I feel so strongly about in the memories often aren't those people anymore.
How did you know I needed to read this exact thing about memory and nostalgia today? Thank you. This is hard-won perspective, and it's generous of you to share it so honestly.
Also, I wish I could hug Little Monica; she endured so much. (I hope you are hugging her, in whatever ways that help.)
First of all, congratulations on 92. That's a big deal!
Secondly, I cannot reiterate how annoying I found the conscious uncoupling trend to be. It was obnoxious, self congratulatory, smug, AND, categorically fucking false. I hate Jack White for a myriad of reasons, personal and others..... it's a long story, but seriously? Fuck that guy. When he and Karen Whoevershewas split up, threw a divorce party and bleated about how they were best friends to the press whenever they could, I was TICKLED when a few months later they both filed restraining orders against one another. So much so? My friend and I went out to celebrate it. Sure, it's mean, but so are they. (and I never claimed to be "nice" ;) )
The point is this: if your spouse is your BEST FRIEND then you wouldn't be divorcing. Sure, there are some extenuating circumstances where it is the case that you're best friends, but I would wager that 98.5% of the time, the marriage has deteriorated because you are no longer friends, as well as no longer lovers. It doesn't mean you don't love one another anymore, it's far more complicated than that, but you're not best friends. AND? If you can't stay married, you need to learn to live without one another without muddying the waters and blurring the lines. Boundaries ARE beautiful.
I'm super proud of you, Monica. Life ain't easy, but you're rocking it, even when you're making mistakes. Keep the tape. The kids may want it. Who knows? Or? Throw it out. It's just a tape.
Exactly. I tried. To a degree that embarrasses me today. It backfired spectacularly and we would be so much better off had I never tried. But fuck it. No looking back. Onward!
I’ve missed something - 92 days without?! Monica amen to this piece. I romanticized my first love so much. It was achingly perfect. Strewn across countries; epic; thrillingly torturous. But then I got out my diaries. It wasn’t what I remembered. He was selfish, immature and cruel. He toyed with me and my emotions. I ran back for more. I don’t regret a second thought as I learnt so much about love. He married the girl two years younger than me at school who always was devoted to him. I’m so so glad not to be her. Rose tinted glasses should be burnt.
I haven't had alcohol since July! Feeling really great!
And amen to your comment! I have a huge tendency to romanticize relationships and even though I'm usually the one to end things (with the exception of one guy who was probably smart to break up with me) you can almost count on me reaching out years later to say hello after some bullshit nostalgic reminiscence on my part. Hope you are well!
It was a valiant effort made with pure intentions to make the split easier for W, H & C, which nobody faults you for trying. We will do anything for our little humans.
I think with the conscious uncoupling thing was a fad that was brought about by someone who could afford to do it without the stress. No matter what Goopy wants to think, her life is the exception, not the norm. Millions of dollars make so many things so much easier.
The death of a marriage is sad and it needs to be grieved. Relationships are their own living things. They need to be nurtured, fed, sheltered, and able to evolve to survive. When one doesn't survive, it's sad! I get sad when I hear of people splitting up, just as I was sad for you when it was happening. It's one of the hardest life changes to go through that no matter how good of a decision it was, you will always grieve it in one way or another. Celebrities spinning the ends of their marriages as OMG SO POSITIVE is a disservice. Yes, I know we shouldn't try to mirror famous people, but it happens and they know it, and they should be more cognizant of the differences in their circumstances vs. us normies.
Sorry for the 9am tangent. I've had a lot of coffee.
I subscribed to read this post because of the different ways my husband and I look back on the same memories. Him: That amazing Christmas at Disneyland! Me: The one where we whisper argued for an hour in the hotel bedroom before I put hemorrhoid cream on my eyes to hide the puffiness from crying? (The day was great after that but it’s like he erases the bad. That was a particularly tough couple years for us and luckily we’ve both grown and changed)
What I didn’t know I needed was to see your sign off. Bravo on 92 days! IWNDWYT - Day 3 😬
Hi! When we first divorced my ex wrote online about all the beautiful things during our marriage. Like your husband, it was his way of looking back. Meanwhile, I was like: were we in the same marriage? It doesn’t make his version wrong and it doesn’t make my version wrong. Not only do we perceive things differently, but we all have different ways of remembering and looking back.
Congrats on day 3!! Please feel free to email me at despiertatemonica at gmail dot com if you need anything. I am really digging not drinking. Each week, each day seems to come with a newly discovered bonus. This past weekend I went to a Halloween party where everyone was drinking and being sober felt like a super power. Like x-ray vision or something, I could see everything while others were mumbling and stumbling.
If you're on Reddit I highly recommend a group called Stop Drinking.
One thing I've been ruminating on since you posted this and 92 days, is how much nostalgia can tie into alcohol abuse... well, for me, at least. Like, "Drinking was so fun when I was young! I want to re-live those times!" and then I would drink too much and regret it in so many ways, physically and emotionally. It also became burned in my brain that the only way to socialize was to drink at bars, where I had to tolerate people I didn't really like or wanted to be around, so I would drink more to "make it fun" because it used to be fun? If that makes sense?
I still drink here and there, but I took a great deal of time off, and can now take it or leave it, for the most part. I also don't find myself reminiscing about the past these days.... it's a nice feeling.
Interesting. I feel the same these days. Because I have social anxiety I have avoided going out much over the past three months because I've always consumed alcohol to dampen the anxiety and grease the social wheels, so to speak. Recently I went to a bar to see a band I loved back in the day and loved being able to experience the music with a clear head. Was also interesting to watch all the drunkies stumble around and just generally look stupid as shit when it was clear in their minds they were the best dancer or the coolest person in the room. I also went to a halloween party and, as mentioned here somewhere else, being sober among a bunch of drunk felt like a super power. Like being in the Matrix and being aware of it and how to use the Matrix, if that makes any kind of sense.
There is some statistic out there that read that over 50% of women who have a problem with alcohol also report having an anxiety issue. I have generalized anxiety disorder and I know I have social anxiety.. it's always why I smoked in social situations back in the day, and then started drinking to help. It's all connected, really.
What's most insidious is how drinking makes your anxiety worse which then makes you want to drink more.
It's so weird because instead of getting drunk to have fun being around people I didn't like, I never thought to JUST LEAVE. Like, why would I leave? I AM HANGING OUT. THIS IS FUN. It's like I had been brainwashed.
Honestly, I don't really like going out at all. I have to be very social and available for people in my career, so I would rather just stay home and recharge than be anywhere out.
"While not all nostalgia is unhealthy, I think it’s critical for our mental health to acknowledge that memories, nostalgia in particular, can be a deceptive double-edged sword that sparkles brilliantly in the sunlight before emptying your heart and guts onto the dirty ground.
Clutching for the pieces of your past will keep you from your future."
GIRL. Yes. And oof. And love every word here. As always.
A great look back to nostalgia... I have always always had a hard time with this since being a kid who moved around with an family in the US Air Force, I would hold onto my memories HARD. We would never know when our bestfriends would move, or if we would be the ones to be sent elsewhere. Add in a dad who was a pilot, and who was gone from home--- a LOT---- it seemed as though memories were all we had sometimes. You reiterate a good reminder to simply be present... because if we aren't, we're just treading water (which is hard and gets you nowhere).. aloha~~~~
Yes! My problem is that I let the memories influence me in the present, if that makes sense. Nice memories are nice memories if we can leave it at that. It's when it starts messing with my head in the now that trouble begins. Because circumstances change and the people I feel so strongly about in the memories often aren't those people anymore.
Yes. Our brains can take a little past moment and create an entire universe with it.
How did you know I needed to read this exact thing about memory and nostalgia today? Thank you. This is hard-won perspective, and it's generous of you to share it so honestly.
Also, I wish I could hug Little Monica; she endured so much. (I hope you are hugging her, in whatever ways that help.)
You're the best. Thanks for reading <3
First of all, congratulations on 92. That's a big deal!
Secondly, I cannot reiterate how annoying I found the conscious uncoupling trend to be. It was obnoxious, self congratulatory, smug, AND, categorically fucking false. I hate Jack White for a myriad of reasons, personal and others..... it's a long story, but seriously? Fuck that guy. When he and Karen Whoevershewas split up, threw a divorce party and bleated about how they were best friends to the press whenever they could, I was TICKLED when a few months later they both filed restraining orders against one another. So much so? My friend and I went out to celebrate it. Sure, it's mean, but so are they. (and I never claimed to be "nice" ;) )
The point is this: if your spouse is your BEST FRIEND then you wouldn't be divorcing. Sure, there are some extenuating circumstances where it is the case that you're best friends, but I would wager that 98.5% of the time, the marriage has deteriorated because you are no longer friends, as well as no longer lovers. It doesn't mean you don't love one another anymore, it's far more complicated than that, but you're not best friends. AND? If you can't stay married, you need to learn to live without one another without muddying the waters and blurring the lines. Boundaries ARE beautiful.
I'm super proud of you, Monica. Life ain't easy, but you're rocking it, even when you're making mistakes. Keep the tape. The kids may want it. Who knows? Or? Throw it out. It's just a tape.
Almost 100 days! I'm pretty excited about it.
From conscious uncoupling to restraining orders. Sounds somewhat familiar.
Sometimes trying too hard leads to everything blowing up. Murphy's Law.
Buy yourself something nice on day 100. You deserve it.
Exactly. I tried. To a degree that embarrasses me today. It backfired spectacularly and we would be so much better off had I never tried. But fuck it. No looking back. Onward!
I’ve missed something - 92 days without?! Monica amen to this piece. I romanticized my first love so much. It was achingly perfect. Strewn across countries; epic; thrillingly torturous. But then I got out my diaries. It wasn’t what I remembered. He was selfish, immature and cruel. He toyed with me and my emotions. I ran back for more. I don’t regret a second thought as I learnt so much about love. He married the girl two years younger than me at school who always was devoted to him. I’m so so glad not to be her. Rose tinted glasses should be burnt.
I haven't had alcohol since July! Feeling really great!
And amen to your comment! I have a huge tendency to romanticize relationships and even though I'm usually the one to end things (with the exception of one guy who was probably smart to break up with me) you can almost count on me reaching out years later to say hello after some bullshit nostalgic reminiscence on my part. Hope you are well!
You are so good. I really love a drink… but could do with loving it less. Nothing good happens after a third martini.
Ha! Very true
ALWAYS ONWARD!
It was a valiant effort made with pure intentions to make the split easier for W, H & C, which nobody faults you for trying. We will do anything for our little humans.
I think with the conscious uncoupling thing was a fad that was brought about by someone who could afford to do it without the stress. No matter what Goopy wants to think, her life is the exception, not the norm. Millions of dollars make so many things so much easier.
The death of a marriage is sad and it needs to be grieved. Relationships are their own living things. They need to be nurtured, fed, sheltered, and able to evolve to survive. When one doesn't survive, it's sad! I get sad when I hear of people splitting up, just as I was sad for you when it was happening. It's one of the hardest life changes to go through that no matter how good of a decision it was, you will always grieve it in one way or another. Celebrities spinning the ends of their marriages as OMG SO POSITIVE is a disservice. Yes, I know we shouldn't try to mirror famous people, but it happens and they know it, and they should be more cognizant of the differences in their circumstances vs. us normies.
Sorry for the 9am tangent. I've had a lot of coffee.
I subscribed to read this post because of the different ways my husband and I look back on the same memories. Him: That amazing Christmas at Disneyland! Me: The one where we whisper argued for an hour in the hotel bedroom before I put hemorrhoid cream on my eyes to hide the puffiness from crying? (The day was great after that but it’s like he erases the bad. That was a particularly tough couple years for us and luckily we’ve both grown and changed)
What I didn’t know I needed was to see your sign off. Bravo on 92 days! IWNDWYT - Day 3 😬
Hi! When we first divorced my ex wrote online about all the beautiful things during our marriage. Like your husband, it was his way of looking back. Meanwhile, I was like: were we in the same marriage? It doesn’t make his version wrong and it doesn’t make my version wrong. Not only do we perceive things differently, but we all have different ways of remembering and looking back.
Congrats on day 3!! Please feel free to email me at despiertatemonica at gmail dot com if you need anything. I am really digging not drinking. Each week, each day seems to come with a newly discovered bonus. This past weekend I went to a Halloween party where everyone was drinking and being sober felt like a super power. Like x-ray vision or something, I could see everything while others were mumbling and stumbling.
If you're on Reddit I highly recommend a group called Stop Drinking.
https://www.reddit.com/r/stopdrinking/
It's super helpful and you should scroll it when you're feeling itchy for a drink. IWNDWYT!!
Cheers to sober living
One thing I've been ruminating on since you posted this and 92 days, is how much nostalgia can tie into alcohol abuse... well, for me, at least. Like, "Drinking was so fun when I was young! I want to re-live those times!" and then I would drink too much and regret it in so many ways, physically and emotionally. It also became burned in my brain that the only way to socialize was to drink at bars, where I had to tolerate people I didn't really like or wanted to be around, so I would drink more to "make it fun" because it used to be fun? If that makes sense?
I still drink here and there, but I took a great deal of time off, and can now take it or leave it, for the most part. I also don't find myself reminiscing about the past these days.... it's a nice feeling.
Interesting. I feel the same these days. Because I have social anxiety I have avoided going out much over the past three months because I've always consumed alcohol to dampen the anxiety and grease the social wheels, so to speak. Recently I went to a bar to see a band I loved back in the day and loved being able to experience the music with a clear head. Was also interesting to watch all the drunkies stumble around and just generally look stupid as shit when it was clear in their minds they were the best dancer or the coolest person in the room. I also went to a halloween party and, as mentioned here somewhere else, being sober among a bunch of drunk felt like a super power. Like being in the Matrix and being aware of it and how to use the Matrix, if that makes any kind of sense.
There is some statistic out there that read that over 50% of women who have a problem with alcohol also report having an anxiety issue. I have generalized anxiety disorder and I know I have social anxiety.. it's always why I smoked in social situations back in the day, and then started drinking to help. It's all connected, really.
What's most insidious is how drinking makes your anxiety worse which then makes you want to drink more.
It's so weird because instead of getting drunk to have fun being around people I didn't like, I never thought to JUST LEAVE. Like, why would I leave? I AM HANGING OUT. THIS IS FUN. It's like I had been brainwashed.
Honestly, I don't really like going out at all. I have to be very social and available for people in my career, so I would rather just stay home and recharge than be anywhere out.
"While not all nostalgia is unhealthy, I think it’s critical for our mental health to acknowledge that memories, nostalgia in particular, can be a deceptive double-edged sword that sparkles brilliantly in the sunlight before emptying your heart and guts onto the dirty ground.
Clutching for the pieces of your past will keep you from your future."
GIRL. Yes. And oof. And love every word here. As always.
♥️😘