I too have The Dread, though it sounds like not as bad as yours. I was fully in my 40's before I realized that I could let things go. But I also have never had therapy, which I'm sure would have helped me figure it out sooner. You know what really helped me realize it? Yoga. Never thought it would have any effect on me, except for making me stronger and stretchier. Turns out it really helps me with The Dread and also regulating my emotions. After practicing about a year, I realized I no longer get too upset when I'm driving (I used to get hella angry and vengeful) and when I do get upset, I'm able to keep myself from losing it on someone. I can just take a breath, think for a minute, and let it go. Never in a million years thought it would have that effect on me, but it did. Just my experience. Not preaching here.
I have had a similar experience with yoga! It has helped center me by being more aware of my body and my breath and my energy (many times emotions have come up while in a pose) Vocalizing the three oms before and after practice really help release my tight throat. namaste~~~
I love yoga but have never managed to be consistent for more than a few months in a row. How did you get started? Where do you do it? How often do you do it, if you care to share?
I started about 3 years ago when a friend introduced me to Yoga with Adriene. We both did her annual 30 Day series (starts January 1) and though I was really frustrated (and angry) most of the time when I practiced that first month, something about it resonated with me. I might have cried a few times. Could just be Adriene. She is so lovely and explains things so well and makes me feel comfortable with being uncomfortable. I just adore her. Since then, I practice almost every day. Short practices, 20-30 minutes and it has made an incredible difference in ways I never imagined. She's on YouTube, for free and there are hundreds of videos (and also has a membership, which I joined later). I only practice at home by myself. I never go to classes with other people (part of my social anxiety?).
Is she the one in Texas with the cute dog? She’s the one I stuck with for a few months. I liked her a lot! Do you do it at the same time every day or whenever you get to it?
I really am gonna try her again. I stretch every morning but it’s time to put some effort into it. I always feel so much better after yoga. Relaxed and taller, even! I used to work in retirement homes to put myself through school and I will never forget one spry old broad telling me the key to aging well is stretching regularly.
'The Dread' is basically how I explain my panic disorder-- throw in some 'I'm Not Safe'. When reading about The Dread instantly showing up when someone knocked on the door, my stomach literally leapt up into my throat. Hearing a telephone ring has the same effect on me. Anyhoos-- as you mentioned, you can't think your way out of the Spiral of The Dread but it sounds like you're dealing with it in an effective way with new eyes. I have recently been reading all about the vagus nerve and really like that I can address the physical sensations that have scared the living sh*t out of me since age 13 by physical means. Keep on keepin' on, dude!!!
Haaate when my phone rings. It’s a real stomach dropper for me. You should check out Jessica Maguire’s repairing the nervous system Instagram. She’s made a lot of cool info easy to understand.
After 15 years in therapy (and 3 whole years sober, IWNDWYT) I, too, am wrestling constantly with The Dread. It’s so damn exhausting. I went to a retreat earlier this year with Byron Katie, who I knew very little about. Trying her method of self-inquiry did more to ease The Dread than anything else I’ve tried. I was never able to meditate — my mind is too bossy for that — but her practice of meditation is one of questioning your own thoughts, putting them down on paper (she has free worksheets). Anyway, I don’t usually offer unsolicited advice but if you happen upon one of her books or want to listen to her podcast, it might be worth dipping your toes in for a minute. I’ve even started bringing my worksheets up in therapy.
3 years! Congratulations. Can't wait to be there. I DO know Byron Katie and self inquiry has been the key to just about everything for me. I discovered Sam Harris many years ago and his app, Waking Up (which is where I discovered Byron Katie when he interviewed her) has been essential for me. Some other people you can look into that have ignited amazing things for me have been Adyashanti, Eckhart Tolle, Stephen Bodian, Jack Kornfield, Loch Kelly and of course, the incredible Allan Watts.
And now I’m glad I commented, because I think I was meant to learn about Sam Harris today. :D Thank you for the rec’s. I am trying to learn to listen to my higher intelligence / the wisdom in my body and I was very confused when I felt a strong urge to comment. And now I know it was actually me seeking and not me helping. :D
Yessss. I love when the world sparkles like that. You read a thing that sends you to a thing that inspires another thing.. If you haven't read The Power of Now and A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle, I highly recommend. Those were my gateway books to an awakening of sorts. Adyashanti is a lovely teacher who has written a lot of great books that are quick reads and so helpful. He also has tons of talks and other cool things on his website - https://adyashanti.opengatesangha.org/
And yeah, Sam Harris interviews all these people on his app, which I use to meditate also. Sam's book Waking Up was really good. Something I picked up when I was searching for a kind of spirituality without religion. That's where Sam really excels. Let me know how it goes or if you find something that really resonates. I could talk about self awareness, self-inquiry, consciousness, non-duality and all that good stuff forever!
The most accurate thing I've ever read: "My entire life is giving all the fucks. I have too many fucks to give about everything. I’m tired of giving so many fucks. But I don’t want to give zero fucks either. Like the Dude, I want to give essential fucks. Fucks are a delicate balance. One can also give too many fucks about not giving a fuck and then you’re fucked." Thank you for your writings, Monica. I've enjoyed them for years and years <3
Thank you! There are some people whose names ignite comfortable, happy feelings for me and yours is one of them. So happy you are still here after all these years. As Anne Shirley would say, I think we are "kindred spirts." All the love!
I suspect many of us who are here understand all too viscerally the dread, the need to numb, the desire to be in remission from all of it. The answer for me is to just throw everything at it. Yoga? Sure. Instagram? Yes except when it’s the problem. Acupuncture? Works for me. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy? Fuck yes. Sex? Sometimes. Meditation? Probably a good idea .... as always I love feeling less alone when reading your words. Also, your description of your mom on the bike and the scene with your siblings. That’s a passage to go in your book. Fucking beautiful. ♥️
Thank you for this! I have written several book proposals over the past two decades. One about being leaving Mormonism and being a newlywed in NYC, one with my ex about our divorce and one about middle age and womanhood and none of them went anywhere. I am discovering that writing about my childhood - my mom and brothers - comes easiest to me. Maybe I have one last proposal in me yet... But maybe writing a book doesn't matter so much anymore either. I dunno. Either way, thank you for reading and commenting, it made be grin bigly to wake up and read this.
Maybe books are too precious anyway? Keep writing. More than a books worth of stuff. Keep subverting the gatekept publishing industry by having this Substack. What I was inartfully saying was that sometimes it’s hard how transient words feel when they’re so evocative and powerful.
Word. It became increasingly clear over the process of writing the last two proposals that my social media follower count was equally if not more important than the writing. Fuck that. You have a way with words yourself ❤️
The only things I know about Mormonism, I learned from South Park, Heather Hamilton and you. They make Catholics look laid back.
I grew up in an unsafe environment, and I know The Dread very well. I had a nervous breakdown in my mid 20s, and have been in constant work since then. Lately, psilocybin has been helping a lot. I also only drink on vacation and holidays anymore because alcohol exposure over time just exacerbates it all.
I'm glad to read about your journey, Monica. I hope you feel less alone and more supported when you share your stories. Love to you!
That's pretty badass.. I've had visions of me boxing or kickboxing in the past but if I can't even swing YouTube yoga in my own living room for more than three consecutive weeks I don't have high hopes...
Sorry to hear about your breakdown but it sounds like it prompted some intense personal growth for you. Hoping the same for the ongoing bullshit I'm dealing with which feels like a slow motion nervous breakdown. I have also been experimenting with some microdosing psilocybin stuffs!! Thank you for always reading and commenting. It makes me feel so much better and less alone.
Also? I'm not sorry about it. It saved my life at the time, and the work I've put in has saved it a few times since then. It's hard to describe suicidal ideation to someone who has never had it, so I never try to explain it to others in regards to myself, but sometimes I just didn't want to be alive anymore because I couldn't handle THE DREAD, THE FEELINGS and the shame that followed them like dingleberries stuck in a hairy asshole. That shame just makes you feel like the biggest burden in the world and how it would just be so much better for everyone if you were gone. No more feelings, no more burden.... a collective sigh of relief.
It's not. It's a whole other pain to inflict on others and there's no guarantee that it will relieve your own pain if there is an afterlife or some kind of divine plan... which I don't know WHAT to think about any of that and I have no solid opinions on whatsoever.
What has become easier is the stopping of the fucks to give and the regulating of my emotions, as well as sitting with them. Just sitting with them. Looking at them. Knowing it's only a feeling and that it will pass eventually... honoring the lump in my gut and the prickle/tingle of adrenalin pumping through me... it's only a feeling.
Life is a wild ride. Here's to making it a bit more bearable.
The bad feelings ALWAYS pass. Some faster than others but they pass. Still working on a few that have been with me for years but it kinda feels like point of life. Moving through it, giving less fucks, becoming more aware. So hey fellow traveler. I see you and all that work you're doing over there. Really nice job. Keep it up.
I remember when I would simultaneously wallow in the bad feeling while do anything in my power not to feel it and just feel like it would NEVER END.... and then making myself even more upset. Such a stupid, vicious cycle.
I too have The Dread, though it sounds like not as bad as yours. I was fully in my 40's before I realized that I could let things go. But I also have never had therapy, which I'm sure would have helped me figure it out sooner. You know what really helped me realize it? Yoga. Never thought it would have any effect on me, except for making me stronger and stretchier. Turns out it really helps me with The Dread and also regulating my emotions. After practicing about a year, I realized I no longer get too upset when I'm driving (I used to get hella angry and vengeful) and when I do get upset, I'm able to keep myself from losing it on someone. I can just take a breath, think for a minute, and let it go. Never in a million years thought it would have that effect on me, but it did. Just my experience. Not preaching here.
I have had a similar experience with yoga! It has helped center me by being more aware of my body and my breath and my energy (many times emotions have come up while in a pose) Vocalizing the three oms before and after practice really help release my tight throat. namaste~~~
I love yoga but have never managed to be consistent for more than a few months in a row. How did you get started? Where do you do it? How often do you do it, if you care to share?
I started about 3 years ago when a friend introduced me to Yoga with Adriene. We both did her annual 30 Day series (starts January 1) and though I was really frustrated (and angry) most of the time when I practiced that first month, something about it resonated with me. I might have cried a few times. Could just be Adriene. She is so lovely and explains things so well and makes me feel comfortable with being uncomfortable. I just adore her. Since then, I practice almost every day. Short practices, 20-30 minutes and it has made an incredible difference in ways I never imagined. She's on YouTube, for free and there are hundreds of videos (and also has a membership, which I joined later). I only practice at home by myself. I never go to classes with other people (part of my social anxiety?).
Is she the one in Texas with the cute dog? She’s the one I stuck with for a few months. I liked her a lot! Do you do it at the same time every day or whenever you get to it?
Yes! That’s her. During the week I do it in the morning. On the weekend, I’m a bit more breezy about it.
Also, I usually try to pick something from her themed monthly calendar (available on ywa.com I believe. Or just google her.)
I really am gonna try her again. I stretch every morning but it’s time to put some effort into it. I always feel so much better after yoga. Relaxed and taller, even! I used to work in retirement homes to put myself through school and I will never forget one spry old broad telling me the key to aging well is stretching regularly.
'The Dread' is basically how I explain my panic disorder-- throw in some 'I'm Not Safe'. When reading about The Dread instantly showing up when someone knocked on the door, my stomach literally leapt up into my throat. Hearing a telephone ring has the same effect on me. Anyhoos-- as you mentioned, you can't think your way out of the Spiral of The Dread but it sounds like you're dealing with it in an effective way with new eyes. I have recently been reading all about the vagus nerve and really like that I can address the physical sensations that have scared the living sh*t out of me since age 13 by physical means. Keep on keepin' on, dude!!!
Haaate when my phone rings. It’s a real stomach dropper for me. You should check out Jessica Maguire’s repairing the nervous system Instagram. She’s made a lot of cool info easy to understand.
Thank you! Anna the anxiety coach on Insta is good, too. Her story is quite interesting...!
After 15 years in therapy (and 3 whole years sober, IWNDWYT) I, too, am wrestling constantly with The Dread. It’s so damn exhausting. I went to a retreat earlier this year with Byron Katie, who I knew very little about. Trying her method of self-inquiry did more to ease The Dread than anything else I’ve tried. I was never able to meditate — my mind is too bossy for that — but her practice of meditation is one of questioning your own thoughts, putting them down on paper (she has free worksheets). Anyway, I don’t usually offer unsolicited advice but if you happen upon one of her books or want to listen to her podcast, it might be worth dipping your toes in for a minute. I’ve even started bringing my worksheets up in therapy.
3 years! Congratulations. Can't wait to be there. I DO know Byron Katie and self inquiry has been the key to just about everything for me. I discovered Sam Harris many years ago and his app, Waking Up (which is where I discovered Byron Katie when he interviewed her) has been essential for me. Some other people you can look into that have ignited amazing things for me have been Adyashanti, Eckhart Tolle, Stephen Bodian, Jack Kornfield, Loch Kelly and of course, the incredible Allan Watts.
And now I’m glad I commented, because I think I was meant to learn about Sam Harris today. :D Thank you for the rec’s. I am trying to learn to listen to my higher intelligence / the wisdom in my body and I was very confused when I felt a strong urge to comment. And now I know it was actually me seeking and not me helping. :D
Yessss. I love when the world sparkles like that. You read a thing that sends you to a thing that inspires another thing.. If you haven't read The Power of Now and A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle, I highly recommend. Those were my gateway books to an awakening of sorts. Adyashanti is a lovely teacher who has written a lot of great books that are quick reads and so helpful. He also has tons of talks and other cool things on his website - https://adyashanti.opengatesangha.org/
I recommend his introductory teachings - https://adyashanti.opengatesangha.org/teachings/intro-teachings
And yeah, Sam Harris interviews all these people on his app, which I use to meditate also. Sam's book Waking Up was really good. Something I picked up when I was searching for a kind of spirituality without religion. That's where Sam really excels. Let me know how it goes or if you find something that really resonates. I could talk about self awareness, self-inquiry, consciousness, non-duality and all that good stuff forever!
The most accurate thing I've ever read: "My entire life is giving all the fucks. I have too many fucks to give about everything. I’m tired of giving so many fucks. But I don’t want to give zero fucks either. Like the Dude, I want to give essential fucks. Fucks are a delicate balance. One can also give too many fucks about not giving a fuck and then you’re fucked." Thank you for your writings, Monica. I've enjoyed them for years and years <3
Thank you! There are some people whose names ignite comfortable, happy feelings for me and yours is one of them. So happy you are still here after all these years. As Anne Shirley would say, I think we are "kindred spirts." All the love!
I suspect many of us who are here understand all too viscerally the dread, the need to numb, the desire to be in remission from all of it. The answer for me is to just throw everything at it. Yoga? Sure. Instagram? Yes except when it’s the problem. Acupuncture? Works for me. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy? Fuck yes. Sex? Sometimes. Meditation? Probably a good idea .... as always I love feeling less alone when reading your words. Also, your description of your mom on the bike and the scene with your siblings. That’s a passage to go in your book. Fucking beautiful. ♥️
Thank you for this! I have written several book proposals over the past two decades. One about being leaving Mormonism and being a newlywed in NYC, one with my ex about our divorce and one about middle age and womanhood and none of them went anywhere. I am discovering that writing about my childhood - my mom and brothers - comes easiest to me. Maybe I have one last proposal in me yet... But maybe writing a book doesn't matter so much anymore either. I dunno. Either way, thank you for reading and commenting, it made be grin bigly to wake up and read this.
Maybe books are too precious anyway? Keep writing. More than a books worth of stuff. Keep subverting the gatekept publishing industry by having this Substack. What I was inartfully saying was that sometimes it’s hard how transient words feel when they’re so evocative and powerful.
Word. It became increasingly clear over the process of writing the last two proposals that my social media follower count was equally if not more important than the writing. Fuck that. You have a way with words yourself ❤️
The only things I know about Mormonism, I learned from South Park, Heather Hamilton and you. They make Catholics look laid back.
I grew up in an unsafe environment, and I know The Dread very well. I had a nervous breakdown in my mid 20s, and have been in constant work since then. Lately, psilocybin has been helping a lot. I also only drink on vacation and holidays anymore because alcohol exposure over time just exacerbates it all.
I'm glad to read about your journey, Monica. I hope you feel less alone and more supported when you share your stories. Love to you!
Also? I box. It's a very hard workout and it retrains your brain while you do it. I don't spar with anyone but my trainer, I'm not looking to get clobbered, but it's very meditative and great for someone like me who can't sit still. https://spotyouforlife.com/box-your-way-to-better-brain-health/#:~:text=The%20movements%20involved%20in%20boxing,and%20neural%20pathways%20become%20stronger.
That's pretty badass.. I've had visions of me boxing or kickboxing in the past but if I can't even swing YouTube yoga in my own living room for more than three consecutive weeks I don't have high hopes...
Sorry to hear about your breakdown but it sounds like it prompted some intense personal growth for you. Hoping the same for the ongoing bullshit I'm dealing with which feels like a slow motion nervous breakdown. I have also been experimenting with some microdosing psilocybin stuffs!! Thank you for always reading and commenting. It makes me feel so much better and less alone.
You're not alone, lady. We're all out here rooting for you.
Thanks for this, Kate. I really needed that sentiment today. ♥️
Also? I'm not sorry about it. It saved my life at the time, and the work I've put in has saved it a few times since then. It's hard to describe suicidal ideation to someone who has never had it, so I never try to explain it to others in regards to myself, but sometimes I just didn't want to be alive anymore because I couldn't handle THE DREAD, THE FEELINGS and the shame that followed them like dingleberries stuck in a hairy asshole. That shame just makes you feel like the biggest burden in the world and how it would just be so much better for everyone if you were gone. No more feelings, no more burden.... a collective sigh of relief.
It's not. It's a whole other pain to inflict on others and there's no guarantee that it will relieve your own pain if there is an afterlife or some kind of divine plan... which I don't know WHAT to think about any of that and I have no solid opinions on whatsoever.
What has become easier is the stopping of the fucks to give and the regulating of my emotions, as well as sitting with them. Just sitting with them. Looking at them. Knowing it's only a feeling and that it will pass eventually... honoring the lump in my gut and the prickle/tingle of adrenalin pumping through me... it's only a feeling.
Life is a wild ride. Here's to making it a bit more bearable.
The bad feelings ALWAYS pass. Some faster than others but they pass. Still working on a few that have been with me for years but it kinda feels like point of life. Moving through it, giving less fucks, becoming more aware. So hey fellow traveler. I see you and all that work you're doing over there. Really nice job. Keep it up.
I remember when I would simultaneously wallow in the bad feeling while do anything in my power not to feel it and just feel like it would NEVER END.... and then making myself even more upset. Such a stupid, vicious cycle.
You're going great work, too :)