I absolutely love this. I love how you are identifying those moments where your body recognizes it isn’t okay and you digest and pick apart exactly why that is. I appreciate your level of detail when you analyze how you are feeling.
I also greatly detest all these cruel people in your life. Sending hugs ❤️
Back in the earlier days of my current relationship, my BF would sometimes speak to me in a not-so-friendly tone (the way his father talks to his step mother and thus the way his dad talked to him). I had enough and let him know he does not get to talk to me the way his dad does to his step-mom. No sir. And once I said that and he realized he started acting like his dad (something he never wanted) and something clicked and that never happened again.
Monica, this reasonated on many levels. I have a memory of being at my fresher week, at a club, a timid Belfast girl suddenly thrust into London - and my university accommodation wasn’t yet ready so I was stuck at some awful hotel they through us all in, in a scary part of the city. Anyway, at this club, a guy at my uni took a liking to me - he was older 24 or 25 to my 18. He followed me around most of the evening and I found him repulsive. I politely excused myself, moved when he danced where I was dancing and generally got in my face - aggressively so. When I finally walked away - again - he followed and spat at me that I was a fucking bitch. He was drunk by now, terrifying. I fretted and quickly asked a friend to leave. My night ruined because some creep wouldn’t take no for an answer - no to a drink, to dancing, to talking… Anyway a week later our halls of residence were complete and I moved into a 24 storey building opposite Madame Tussauds in Baker Street. I was floor 4 alongside 5 other women and 6 guys. Imagine my utter fear when out he walked. I was to live with him! I shook with fear. He laughed about it and thankfully only attempted friendship but I lay in my bed that night consumed with fear. I was to share bathrooms, a kitchen and living area with him. But only for 6 weeks. By halloween he had threatened to beat up the warden and was duly kicked out. Relief flooded me. I’ve definitely experienced male rage - this post is closer to home than I can say - but at a college PD group the other week, (where all is trainee counsellors discuss how we feel about each other) one very temperamental woman massively shouted and lashed out at a peer. I froze and only a week later did I register where my fear came from: my alcoholic mother. A life time spent walking on eggshells around her. She is 23 years sober now but when a woman rages - which is undoubtedly a much less frequent occurrence- I am triggered. The very action sends me back to being a terrified teen, trapped, lost, willing to do anything to keep the peace. Anger is simply the quickest emotion to harness - most likely anger comes from fear. Or shame. One final thing I wanted to note, which in all truth I debated writing - but I know you appreciate honesty and debate - in Depp’s case, I don’t for one second condone his outbursts - slamming cupboards reacting angrily - I think he was/is an addict and his reactions from what I’ve seen are almost always under the influence. That isn’t an excuse I add. His addict behaviour is at odds with his passive, mild mannered personality when sober. I am a feminist - in the form that feminism means to me. It will be different for us all. But I also see feminine toxicity - and I guess as someone who experienced this as a child I’m alert to it. Does that mean that we automatically have to believe every woman every time? God I feel like a traitor to my sex even writing that. Because we have fought so long and hard to be believed. To be heard. To even have a voice! I’m not saying we don’t show empathy, compassion and support - and yes, of course a million times over - this is the truth and we should endeavour to prove this fact. That’s where I guess I want to trust all women instead. Trust and verify. As I would anyone asking belief of anything. In fact I worry - and will fret later no doubt that I even said this - so have attached an article that explains in a way that I’m struggling to articulate. https://www.nytimes.com/2017/11/28/opinion/metoo-sexual-harassment-believe-women.amp.html PS Sorry to have gone off topic slightly!
I had a boss (who was an angry out of control drunk that would not leave me alone after he was lit) who got off on making the women in his team cry and would literally bang a gong when he was successful. He could never make me cry. I haven't worked for him for over 16 years and I daily scan the paper hoping to see a sexual harassment suit against that company that I could attest to, or an obituary. I'd greet either with enthusiasm.
I'm over unexceptional men and their entitlement. Trump brought those mucksuckers back to the surface like a massive school of Asian carp. I try not to seethe with rage over it... but it's hard. I've socked many dudes in the face and it doesn't do anything but give me the momentary high of adrenaline and self satisfaction when I cackle "you got hit by a girl" at them, to lead into shame and powerlessness. I fell for it again.
You make total sense! I agree, that we as women are constantly excusing or passifying male anger and it is exhausting. Someone very close to me is in counselling for their blind male rage - borne out of a childhood raised as 'this is what masculinity is.' Men are usually more physically dominant than women so we fear physical violence in a way that I think most men don't (with women). I also agree - the whole 'tortured artist' thing is such bullshit - you don't need to be hammered/stoned out of your brain and wracked with melancholy to be interesting... Oh my god if I had a dollar for every man I wanted to 'fix' - or how many I allowed to treat me with disrespect because I knew how 'difficult' it was for them to love me/be kind to me. What I basically said was 'I am not worth being treated with respect.' I have also been awful in rows - I've peed in my husband's shoe I was so enraged. Thrown a used tampon at him. I mean - not pleasant things... In the case of Depp - he held come parties at a bar my husband ran years ago (pre-Amber) and he was the most gentle, generous, kind person - and my husband's bar had every A lister in there and you can tell a lot about a person how they treat waiting staff... So I guess my view on him was always a bit coloured. That said, I agree that the persona he has cultivated shouldn't excuse his behaviour - and their toxic relationship makes neither look good. I think my issue with Amber, is because I counsel rape survivors - and come from a stance there of believing everyone who uses the service. I see JUST how hard it is to bring a conviction - I see just how hard it is for women to believed - and so I have - how to put this correctly.... I just really struggle when I think someone is using a platform or piggy backing on a movement, for their own gains - rather than because they truly are a victim/survivor. As I write this I'm wondering why I believe him more than her... But agree completely that neither look stable! It's just a really interesting discussion. Love what you write Monica - love all the self-reflection and the questioning of what we accept. Being Irish I also come from a place that very much favours the man - the idea women should 'serve.' As a child I served dinner and cleared plates for the men in the family - who did fuck all. Now I am married to someone who does all the cooking and we are equal in every way. Anyway, thanks for such a great thought provoking post. Loved it.
It is 2:30am and I just stumbled across your newsletter. I’m so glad you’re still writing! I was an early reader of your blog (2006ish) and identified so hard with your experience of growing up poor and Mormon and the subsequent ways that fucks with your head and shapes your identity and perspective, and I’ve always admired your passion and introspection. I was also reading Heather’s blog at the time, along with a couple other ex-Mormon blogs—which have since withered and disappeared along with every other piece of real, earnest, engaging, messy writing on the internet 😩—and reading others’ experiences really helped me feel not so alone and crazy after I left the church. So thank you for the part you unknowingly played in that. 💗
I’m beginning to find that type of writing and community on Substack though. I’m tentatively hopeful about the future of this platform. Happy to be a reader again!
I absolutely love this. I love how you are identifying those moments where your body recognizes it isn’t okay and you digest and pick apart exactly why that is. I appreciate your level of detail when you analyze how you are feeling.
I also greatly detest all these cruel people in your life. Sending hugs ❤️
Back in the earlier days of my current relationship, my BF would sometimes speak to me in a not-so-friendly tone (the way his father talks to his step mother and thus the way his dad talked to him). I had enough and let him know he does not get to talk to me the way his dad does to his step-mom. No sir. And once I said that and he realized he started acting like his dad (something he never wanted) and something clicked and that never happened again.
Monica, this reasonated on many levels. I have a memory of being at my fresher week, at a club, a timid Belfast girl suddenly thrust into London - and my university accommodation wasn’t yet ready so I was stuck at some awful hotel they through us all in, in a scary part of the city. Anyway, at this club, a guy at my uni took a liking to me - he was older 24 or 25 to my 18. He followed me around most of the evening and I found him repulsive. I politely excused myself, moved when he danced where I was dancing and generally got in my face - aggressively so. When I finally walked away - again - he followed and spat at me that I was a fucking bitch. He was drunk by now, terrifying. I fretted and quickly asked a friend to leave. My night ruined because some creep wouldn’t take no for an answer - no to a drink, to dancing, to talking… Anyway a week later our halls of residence were complete and I moved into a 24 storey building opposite Madame Tussauds in Baker Street. I was floor 4 alongside 5 other women and 6 guys. Imagine my utter fear when out he walked. I was to live with him! I shook with fear. He laughed about it and thankfully only attempted friendship but I lay in my bed that night consumed with fear. I was to share bathrooms, a kitchen and living area with him. But only for 6 weeks. By halloween he had threatened to beat up the warden and was duly kicked out. Relief flooded me. I’ve definitely experienced male rage - this post is closer to home than I can say - but at a college PD group the other week, (where all is trainee counsellors discuss how we feel about each other) one very temperamental woman massively shouted and lashed out at a peer. I froze and only a week later did I register where my fear came from: my alcoholic mother. A life time spent walking on eggshells around her. She is 23 years sober now but when a woman rages - which is undoubtedly a much less frequent occurrence- I am triggered. The very action sends me back to being a terrified teen, trapped, lost, willing to do anything to keep the peace. Anger is simply the quickest emotion to harness - most likely anger comes from fear. Or shame. One final thing I wanted to note, which in all truth I debated writing - but I know you appreciate honesty and debate - in Depp’s case, I don’t for one second condone his outbursts - slamming cupboards reacting angrily - I think he was/is an addict and his reactions from what I’ve seen are almost always under the influence. That isn’t an excuse I add. His addict behaviour is at odds with his passive, mild mannered personality when sober. I am a feminist - in the form that feminism means to me. It will be different for us all. But I also see feminine toxicity - and I guess as someone who experienced this as a child I’m alert to it. Does that mean that we automatically have to believe every woman every time? God I feel like a traitor to my sex even writing that. Because we have fought so long and hard to be believed. To be heard. To even have a voice! I’m not saying we don’t show empathy, compassion and support - and yes, of course a million times over - this is the truth and we should endeavour to prove this fact. That’s where I guess I want to trust all women instead. Trust and verify. As I would anyone asking belief of anything. In fact I worry - and will fret later no doubt that I even said this - so have attached an article that explains in a way that I’m struggling to articulate. https://www.nytimes.com/2017/11/28/opinion/metoo-sexual-harassment-believe-women.amp.html PS Sorry to have gone off topic slightly!
I had a boss (who was an angry out of control drunk that would not leave me alone after he was lit) who got off on making the women in his team cry and would literally bang a gong when he was successful. He could never make me cry. I haven't worked for him for over 16 years and I daily scan the paper hoping to see a sexual harassment suit against that company that I could attest to, or an obituary. I'd greet either with enthusiasm.
I'm over unexceptional men and their entitlement. Trump brought those mucksuckers back to the surface like a massive school of Asian carp. I try not to seethe with rage over it... but it's hard. I've socked many dudes in the face and it doesn't do anything but give me the momentary high of adrenaline and self satisfaction when I cackle "you got hit by a girl" at them, to lead into shame and powerlessness. I fell for it again.
So yep. Walk away. Always walk away.
You make total sense! I agree, that we as women are constantly excusing or passifying male anger and it is exhausting. Someone very close to me is in counselling for their blind male rage - borne out of a childhood raised as 'this is what masculinity is.' Men are usually more physically dominant than women so we fear physical violence in a way that I think most men don't (with women). I also agree - the whole 'tortured artist' thing is such bullshit - you don't need to be hammered/stoned out of your brain and wracked with melancholy to be interesting... Oh my god if I had a dollar for every man I wanted to 'fix' - or how many I allowed to treat me with disrespect because I knew how 'difficult' it was for them to love me/be kind to me. What I basically said was 'I am not worth being treated with respect.' I have also been awful in rows - I've peed in my husband's shoe I was so enraged. Thrown a used tampon at him. I mean - not pleasant things... In the case of Depp - he held come parties at a bar my husband ran years ago (pre-Amber) and he was the most gentle, generous, kind person - and my husband's bar had every A lister in there and you can tell a lot about a person how they treat waiting staff... So I guess my view on him was always a bit coloured. That said, I agree that the persona he has cultivated shouldn't excuse his behaviour - and their toxic relationship makes neither look good. I think my issue with Amber, is because I counsel rape survivors - and come from a stance there of believing everyone who uses the service. I see JUST how hard it is to bring a conviction - I see just how hard it is for women to believed - and so I have - how to put this correctly.... I just really struggle when I think someone is using a platform or piggy backing on a movement, for their own gains - rather than because they truly are a victim/survivor. As I write this I'm wondering why I believe him more than her... But agree completely that neither look stable! It's just a really interesting discussion. Love what you write Monica - love all the self-reflection and the questioning of what we accept. Being Irish I also come from a place that very much favours the man - the idea women should 'serve.' As a child I served dinner and cleared plates for the men in the family - who did fuck all. Now I am married to someone who does all the cooking and we are equal in every way. Anyway, thanks for such a great thought provoking post. Loved it.
It is 2:30am and I just stumbled across your newsletter. I’m so glad you’re still writing! I was an early reader of your blog (2006ish) and identified so hard with your experience of growing up poor and Mormon and the subsequent ways that fucks with your head and shapes your identity and perspective, and I’ve always admired your passion and introspection. I was also reading Heather’s blog at the time, along with a couple other ex-Mormon blogs—which have since withered and disappeared along with every other piece of real, earnest, engaging, messy writing on the internet 😩—and reading others’ experiences really helped me feel not so alone and crazy after I left the church. So thank you for the part you unknowingly played in that. 💗
I’m beginning to find that type of writing and community on Substack though. I’m tentatively hopeful about the future of this platform. Happy to be a reader again!