Monica, I wish we lived nearer. I'd invite you out for a beer or a cold water swim and give you a hug. Of course you are sad. You have had choice taken away from you. You are having to paint the canvas which is now blank because you don't have answers. Every person I have let go of from my life, I have told why - if they asked. I feel I owe them that. Being cut off and ignored is the cruelest of all treatments because we are left with a million questions and no answers. It torments us, devastates us - at best it feels unfair and at worst it feels like we don't exist - never or never did. the kicker being - we have no control/no say in this! We have no voice. I hear how hard this is for you. I don't for one hot minute think Serge has erased you. he will remember you when a song plays, when he eats meal you loved, when he looks in the faces of your beautiful kids. When they say something that sounds exactly like you. It will wound him as if a dagger is going through him. Then he will regroup and freeze you out because it is his method of control - and his way of coping. If he were truly coping, he would try and negotiate a new pathway together - but for the moment (because life can change on a dime) he can't do that for whatever his reasons are. This, as weird as it may sound - isn't about you. Whatever YOU, you are now or are becoming. Or even about the old you. It is about what he projects on you. What he needs/thinks/feels and that is all bound up in how he learned to negotiate life. What you trigger in him. That maybe came from something his Mom did back when he was like 6... The hardest lesson in life to learn is that w can't control other people, just our reaction to what they do. You are trying to do work on yourself and your curiosity and investigations into self are amazing. Row your own boat. Who knows where it will take you. PS I love Smartless and the George Clooney one literally had me almost piss my pants. LOVE xx
This made me cry. thank you so much for reading. I have nothing more to say other than thank you so much for this insightful, beautiful, compassionate comment.
Oh, Monica. This is truly heartbreaking. I have had a so-called parasocial relationship with you since Violet was a baby. I've read your and Serge's blogs, followed you both as you began writing for various web publications, and on social media for many, many years. I relate to you and Serge in so many ways, and my life has had a similar trajectory on a similar time frame, with the marriage, the babies (my boys Jack and Henry are 12 and almost 10 now - about your Violet and Henry's ages), and then the divorce (I was also surprised to hear about Violet's diagnosis, as my older son has autism as well, but was diagnosed at 2 years old). I deeply appreciate your writing, and you have helped me in so many ways navigate my own journey through motherhood, divorce, and life on the other side. I was so happy to find you again here after you disappeared for a while.
Hear this from me please: the way you are feeling about how Serge has chosen to handle his relationship with you and how he wrote about you is NOT the BPD. What he is doing is NOT your fault. It is NOT you. It is him, his own shit and his own trauma. I just wanted to say that I see you, and everything you are feeling about that situation is 100% "normal" and it really did make me cry to hear that he has made the choice to cut you out of his life (as if he could really do that). Ultimately it is to his detriment (and his children's), and it will not serve him well as time goes on. But all you can do is keep going and care for yourself and your kids and those who love you as best you can. Please try to be gentle and kind with yourself (I know that is way easier said than done). You are a wonderful human, flaws and all, and this is just not about you in any way. I'm really proud of you for all the work you are doing on yourself. You're an inspiration, and I will continue to be here to enjoy your writing and watch you grow as long as you are putting it out there. If you're ever in Santa Fe, NM, let me know and I'll take you for a beer.
Hi Lara! Thank you so much for this very kind comment and for validating me. As it happens, I love Santa Fe. Such a beautiful, unique city!
I agree with you and absolutely want to validate his trauma for which I play some part. I guess I originally tried to talk with him and tried to be his friend because of the negative bias thing I wrote about a couple posts ago. When you don't communicate directly with someone, it opens up even more space for misperception and miscommunication and you can begin to dislike them even more based on a narrative you build without their action or input...The bias toward the negative leads you to pay much more attention to the bad things that happen or to classify more things as bad or as if that person is doing something to you specifically when that may not be your intent at all. If you’re angry with someone your negative feelings toward them get stronger as you perceive everything about them as negative. It’s a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy. As the negative thoughts pile up they lead to negative experiences that create more negative thoughts etc…"
Now it feels like there are two totally different realities, his and mine. I don't know the specifics of his reality, can only guess and that's dangerous to do as well because it likely only adds to the misperceptions and negativity piling up on both sides. I feel the narrative spinning out of control, negative on top of negative and the sand in the hour glass of my kids' childhoods is rapidly running out. I need to just let it go, I know.
Violet was diagnosed when they were 4 and we both agreed not to write publicly about it until they were able to shape their own narrative and offer their permission. At 13 they are so brave, thoughtful and unafraid. I wouldn't change the diagnosis for anything. It's such a beautiful, intrinsic part of their personality. How has your journey with Jack been?
Yes, the negative bias thing is so real. I have a decent co-parenting relationship with my kids' dad, but it has become strained because he moved to a different city recently. He's only a little more than an hour away, but I have a lot of feelings of anger because I have a hard time accepting his justification for moving (feels like he created the situation that made him want to move by his bad choices), he is not prioritizing his boys and being there for them on a day-to-day basis, and his move has left me as a single parent most of the time when before we shared the time with the kids equally, which has massively altered my life and theirs. Because of this, I have not wanted to interact with him much. But I notice that when we stop communicating and interacting for a while, it leaves this void that can easily start to fill with negative thoughts and emotions, which just creates more strain and distance. I am working to overcome that because I don't want to exist in my anger all the time, and the fact is we share our kids and our history and it feels really important to continue to stay connected with him. Like you, I have been doing a lot of work on myself the past few years, trying to find healthier ways to address/live with my depression and anxiety that have been with me since I was a kid and some traumas I went through as a young adult. (You wrote a little while ago about your journey with finding Adyashanti, Alan Watts, and Sam Harris etc. I have been on that same journey for the past 2 years with those same people and using Sam Harris' meditation app - I love all the Alan Watts talks on there and have been making my way through them every early morning when I'm drinking coffee and making kid lunches. Also, Rebecca Woolf is the one other former mommy blogger/internet persona that I have closely followed over the last 10+ years...I was floored when you recently wrote about your relationship with her!).
I feel for Serge for the acute suffering he must be enduring to make the decision to cut you out of his life like that, and all the stories he must have running about you and your shared past. I really hope for his sake that he can move through it and reconnect with you before too much time has passed, because he is losing so much. Like you said, the hour glass on childhood runs out rapidly. It sounds like you're doing your best to navigate the internal and external realities of what is a deeply painful situation with some modicum of compassion and self-awareness. I think I remember you writing about how you stayed in Pennsylvania where Serge's family was after your divorce because you were prioritizing your kids, even though you wanted to move back to West to be closer to your friends and family, which must make his ghosting of you that much more painful. I'm really glad that you have found a loving partner and built a life there, though. And yes, you need to let it go, but letting go is not a one-time thing, right? It is a constant daily, sometimes moment-by-moment practice. At least it is for me!! I'm definitely still a novice at the whole letting go thing...
It is so good to hear that Violet is doing well. They sound like a really awesome human. Jack is doing well also. Those first several years when he was little were pretty hard - honestly, a huge part of the difficulty was my own anxiety about what the diagnosis meant for him and his life/future. But over time I have come to see that he just is, and always has been, his wonderful sweet self. He has some pretty significant learning issues, but he has had an IEP since pre-school and some of his issues have seemed to improve over the last couple of years as he matures. Also, he is such a lovely soul that every teacher adores him and is motivated to help him. Socially he has been doing great, though I worry about the transition to middle school next year. Overall he is this really self-possessed, kind, caring person. He is the sweetest big brother to Henry (they do fight, but I have never seen an older sibling be as loving and caring to a younger sibling as Jack - I even apologized to my younger brother for being such a bossy asshole when we were kids after witnessing how Jack is with Henry!). I 100% agree with you that the aspects of him that comprise the autism diagnosis are also the things that make him so deeply and wonderfully who he is.
YES! I keep wanting to write about awareness and consciousness. Adyshanti, Alan Watts and Sam Harris. Sam's app is SO fantastic. Cory and I often drive around listening to Watts talk and he's the most original thinker I've ever heard. It feels so freeing to know that I am not my ego, you know? Just letting go of all the stories and existing. It's the one thing I wish I could talk to Serge about. Letting go is the only way out, for sure. Some months I think I have it mastered and then I slip back into the ego stories and knee-jerk reactions. It requires such constant vigilance and awareness. I will always love Serge, regardless of how he feels about me. I know that. But maybe our story reached its conclusion and I need to be ok with that. It's so hard.
Violet and Jack sound similar. Violet is such an old soul. That's such a cliche but in their case, it's true. For such a solid, kind, compassionate, wise child to come from me just blows my mind. They talk with me about the philosophies behind veganism (I am vegan, they are vegetarian) Buddhism and other religions, life after death... and I just can't believe I got so lucky. I'm so happy you're having a similar experience with Jack. I know it isn't always easy. We've also had an IEP since Kindergarten and you constantly have to advocate for adjustments, but Violet has helped me see the world in an entirely new perspective, one I never would've realized without them being exactly who they are. And that's kind of what i'm realizing with the way things turned out with Serge. The pain I've experienced has forced me into a self-awareness and exploration that has led to leveling up my consciousness in ways I never would have if everything had stayed the same.
I appreciate your comments so much and could talk to you for hours about Sam Harris, Alan Watts etc and awareness, consciousness, dismantling societal constructs and neurocognition etc! Thank you for reading and commenting, I love it so much that I can connect with people like you through this writing. It truly is my ultimate goal here. You can also email me at any time at the address in the "About" section of my website, http://www.despiertatemonica.com/monica-bielanko/
CM and Larak said it already, but I'm going to reiterate that Serge's ghosting of you has only to do with what he's going through emotionally and nothing to do with you. Maybe someday, when he has the available emotional capacity, he'll be able to allow you back in enough to at least be friendly. All you can do is do your best to accept his lack of emotional availability since there's nothing you can do about it anyway. It's unfortunate for your children, and I hope that at some point he'll come around. The work you're doing on yourself is incredibly inspiring, though, and in the long run, is what'll help your kids and you thrive more that anything else.
Thank you, Hanni. I hope it gets better somehow. For now I just need to focus on honoring his trauma and where he is in his journey, which is not something I've always done. I tend to try to force issues with people.
I just don’t know how I would survive this joint custody thing without it being truly “joint.” My heart flips and cracks at the mere thought of being on the receiving end of such silence and pretend erasure. The mother in me is crushed for the mother in you.
Thank you for this. It's validating. I don't want it to seem like I'm monitoring his writing. I want him to write whatever he needs and wants to write, even if it involves negative perceptions of me. That one little paragraph about my son's birth was a gut punch, though.
If I was in your situation, I would be reading (and rereading) every single thing my ex published, hungry to know whatever I could about half my kids' lives, and the well-being of their dad.
I do. Sometimes I need to let some months go by until I dip in - as in this case when he wrote the Henry thing in Feb but I didn't see it until now - but ultimately I end up reading everything he writes if it's about the kids. I'm not sure if it's the mentally healthy approach or not but I am compelled.
May 23, 2022·edited May 23, 2022Liked by Monica Danielle
Remember what Joan Didion said in regards to "The Mother of the Boy"
"We Tell Ourselves Stories in Order to Live"
You have not been erased... you don't have a place in his tales anymore, but you can never be erased. His need to survive is where your place once was... and that's okay.
There is a beauty to letting go.... once we do, the healing can begin.
You're not in his stories anymore. I know it hurts. But his tales on the present and future can never erase what has happened in the past and how that has brought about the present..
It's time to let go.
You should try boxing. It does wonders.
Also? This is supposed to hurt... because it's sad and it sucks.... but it is.
Also? You're a person who values justice and when something isn't fair, it bothers you and you stand up. It's a great quality!
However, as we keep clinging to this marble spinning on its axis, revolving around a ball of fire, we realize more and more that justice is a myth for the most part... and that really hurts.
It makes us mad and it makes us rail against it... all an exercise in futility until we learn that justice is in acceptance... that's where we find peace
"I don't have a place in his tales anymore. I'm not in his stories anymore." I totally understand this! If I didn't have children with this man I would be long gone. I wouldn't live in this state, I wouldn't be writing about him. He would not have a place in my tales anymore. Maybe. I'm ridiculously nostalgic about people. I don't know. It all just feels so extra and unnecessary. Life is hard enough. But the one thing I learned today is that I need to honor his trauma. Of which I am a part. And move on. It is sad. It sucks. It hurts. But I want to accept it and move on. I do! I'm trying so hard. But it's difficult to do that when you have three children in the mix, you know? It affects everything. Just having this post exist here is stressful. It feels cathartic, but stressful. Will it make things worse? Can they get worse? Does it matter at this point? This is the exhausting shit I wish didn't exist.
So I am trying this thing where when I can't say anything positive about someone, I STFU ;) ....... His tales to the internet are just that.... Tales. There's a modicum of truth, but for someone who garnered a lot of their audience from the person they're erasing, we know the deal.
Also? The four of you need to go to therapy together, because you know I have been down this treacherous highway, and they do need to make an effort to co-parent in a friendly manner, not just to keep things copacetic for the adults, but because all of the children involved need to see it, especially the ones who share parents. Your kids know what's going on, even if they don't talk about it. Having one parent hate the other seeps into everything and it can cause deep shame and pain for the little humans who got half of their DNA from the hated one. I know it's hard for him to grasp being benevolent and that not everything is *about* him, but it's not......... going to clam up now.... ;)
Adulting is hard.... he needs to learn how. When he and the new wife are out on their own, they can vent to one another and talk shit behind your back like normal people.
I would love to go to therapy with him and his wife… Shit, I’d just love to sit and have a beer with them and let them tell me everything they need to tell me so I can validate their feelings and apologize, if needed. I don’t think it will ever happen, though.
Monica, I've been searching you for years, (no, I am not a stalker.... or maybe a stalker of your writings). I could not find you on Social media and I only have serge on social media and I cannot find you in his writings anymore. I was really desperately looking for you and after years of looking for you finally I am here. I subscribe to you by the way, not on his blog. I have not finished reading this article and as I was reading I was wondering why it is called "the mother of the boy" and as I found out why I was/am enraged! Really? "The mother of the boy"??? how could he??? I followed both of your writings/life before and I could not believe he called you like that.
I feel like I could understand you base on what you write or share online.... or maybe because I too kind of identify your personality...
I am still in disbelief what serge wrote ....
I will finish reading your article...
Just to let you know that I have been a fan of your writings for so many years now, even before violet was born. ..
also... I am not a writer so I am not articulate. So I just say that I agree with the first commentators. Serge ghosting you is not about you but it's him... so don't be too hard on yourself. You are doing great!!!
I’m so glad you found me! Thank you so much for reading and commenting. Serge is a beautiful writer and you should totally subscribe to his writing! Very happy to have you here!
Monica, I wish we lived nearer. I'd invite you out for a beer or a cold water swim and give you a hug. Of course you are sad. You have had choice taken away from you. You are having to paint the canvas which is now blank because you don't have answers. Every person I have let go of from my life, I have told why - if they asked. I feel I owe them that. Being cut off and ignored is the cruelest of all treatments because we are left with a million questions and no answers. It torments us, devastates us - at best it feels unfair and at worst it feels like we don't exist - never or never did. the kicker being - we have no control/no say in this! We have no voice. I hear how hard this is for you. I don't for one hot minute think Serge has erased you. he will remember you when a song plays, when he eats meal you loved, when he looks in the faces of your beautiful kids. When they say something that sounds exactly like you. It will wound him as if a dagger is going through him. Then he will regroup and freeze you out because it is his method of control - and his way of coping. If he were truly coping, he would try and negotiate a new pathway together - but for the moment (because life can change on a dime) he can't do that for whatever his reasons are. This, as weird as it may sound - isn't about you. Whatever YOU, you are now or are becoming. Or even about the old you. It is about what he projects on you. What he needs/thinks/feels and that is all bound up in how he learned to negotiate life. What you trigger in him. That maybe came from something his Mom did back when he was like 6... The hardest lesson in life to learn is that w can't control other people, just our reaction to what they do. You are trying to do work on yourself and your curiosity and investigations into self are amazing. Row your own boat. Who knows where it will take you. PS I love Smartless and the George Clooney one literally had me almost piss my pants. LOVE xx
This made me cry. thank you so much for reading. I have nothing more to say other than thank you so much for this insightful, beautiful, compassionate comment.
Oh, Monica. This is truly heartbreaking. I have had a so-called parasocial relationship with you since Violet was a baby. I've read your and Serge's blogs, followed you both as you began writing for various web publications, and on social media for many, many years. I relate to you and Serge in so many ways, and my life has had a similar trajectory on a similar time frame, with the marriage, the babies (my boys Jack and Henry are 12 and almost 10 now - about your Violet and Henry's ages), and then the divorce (I was also surprised to hear about Violet's diagnosis, as my older son has autism as well, but was diagnosed at 2 years old). I deeply appreciate your writing, and you have helped me in so many ways navigate my own journey through motherhood, divorce, and life on the other side. I was so happy to find you again here after you disappeared for a while.
Hear this from me please: the way you are feeling about how Serge has chosen to handle his relationship with you and how he wrote about you is NOT the BPD. What he is doing is NOT your fault. It is NOT you. It is him, his own shit and his own trauma. I just wanted to say that I see you, and everything you are feeling about that situation is 100% "normal" and it really did make me cry to hear that he has made the choice to cut you out of his life (as if he could really do that). Ultimately it is to his detriment (and his children's), and it will not serve him well as time goes on. But all you can do is keep going and care for yourself and your kids and those who love you as best you can. Please try to be gentle and kind with yourself (I know that is way easier said than done). You are a wonderful human, flaws and all, and this is just not about you in any way. I'm really proud of you for all the work you are doing on yourself. You're an inspiration, and I will continue to be here to enjoy your writing and watch you grow as long as you are putting it out there. If you're ever in Santa Fe, NM, let me know and I'll take you for a beer.
<3 Lara
Hi Lara! Thank you so much for this very kind comment and for validating me. As it happens, I love Santa Fe. Such a beautiful, unique city!
I agree with you and absolutely want to validate his trauma for which I play some part. I guess I originally tried to talk with him and tried to be his friend because of the negative bias thing I wrote about a couple posts ago. When you don't communicate directly with someone, it opens up even more space for misperception and miscommunication and you can begin to dislike them even more based on a narrative you build without their action or input...The bias toward the negative leads you to pay much more attention to the bad things that happen or to classify more things as bad or as if that person is doing something to you specifically when that may not be your intent at all. If you’re angry with someone your negative feelings toward them get stronger as you perceive everything about them as negative. It’s a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy. As the negative thoughts pile up they lead to negative experiences that create more negative thoughts etc…"
Now it feels like there are two totally different realities, his and mine. I don't know the specifics of his reality, can only guess and that's dangerous to do as well because it likely only adds to the misperceptions and negativity piling up on both sides. I feel the narrative spinning out of control, negative on top of negative and the sand in the hour glass of my kids' childhoods is rapidly running out. I need to just let it go, I know.
Violet was diagnosed when they were 4 and we both agreed not to write publicly about it until they were able to shape their own narrative and offer their permission. At 13 they are so brave, thoughtful and unafraid. I wouldn't change the diagnosis for anything. It's such a beautiful, intrinsic part of their personality. How has your journey with Jack been?
Yes, the negative bias thing is so real. I have a decent co-parenting relationship with my kids' dad, but it has become strained because he moved to a different city recently. He's only a little more than an hour away, but I have a lot of feelings of anger because I have a hard time accepting his justification for moving (feels like he created the situation that made him want to move by his bad choices), he is not prioritizing his boys and being there for them on a day-to-day basis, and his move has left me as a single parent most of the time when before we shared the time with the kids equally, which has massively altered my life and theirs. Because of this, I have not wanted to interact with him much. But I notice that when we stop communicating and interacting for a while, it leaves this void that can easily start to fill with negative thoughts and emotions, which just creates more strain and distance. I am working to overcome that because I don't want to exist in my anger all the time, and the fact is we share our kids and our history and it feels really important to continue to stay connected with him. Like you, I have been doing a lot of work on myself the past few years, trying to find healthier ways to address/live with my depression and anxiety that have been with me since I was a kid and some traumas I went through as a young adult. (You wrote a little while ago about your journey with finding Adyashanti, Alan Watts, and Sam Harris etc. I have been on that same journey for the past 2 years with those same people and using Sam Harris' meditation app - I love all the Alan Watts talks on there and have been making my way through them every early morning when I'm drinking coffee and making kid lunches. Also, Rebecca Woolf is the one other former mommy blogger/internet persona that I have closely followed over the last 10+ years...I was floored when you recently wrote about your relationship with her!).
I feel for Serge for the acute suffering he must be enduring to make the decision to cut you out of his life like that, and all the stories he must have running about you and your shared past. I really hope for his sake that he can move through it and reconnect with you before too much time has passed, because he is losing so much. Like you said, the hour glass on childhood runs out rapidly. It sounds like you're doing your best to navigate the internal and external realities of what is a deeply painful situation with some modicum of compassion and self-awareness. I think I remember you writing about how you stayed in Pennsylvania where Serge's family was after your divorce because you were prioritizing your kids, even though you wanted to move back to West to be closer to your friends and family, which must make his ghosting of you that much more painful. I'm really glad that you have found a loving partner and built a life there, though. And yes, you need to let it go, but letting go is not a one-time thing, right? It is a constant daily, sometimes moment-by-moment practice. At least it is for me!! I'm definitely still a novice at the whole letting go thing...
It is so good to hear that Violet is doing well. They sound like a really awesome human. Jack is doing well also. Those first several years when he was little were pretty hard - honestly, a huge part of the difficulty was my own anxiety about what the diagnosis meant for him and his life/future. But over time I have come to see that he just is, and always has been, his wonderful sweet self. He has some pretty significant learning issues, but he has had an IEP since pre-school and some of his issues have seemed to improve over the last couple of years as he matures. Also, he is such a lovely soul that every teacher adores him and is motivated to help him. Socially he has been doing great, though I worry about the transition to middle school next year. Overall he is this really self-possessed, kind, caring person. He is the sweetest big brother to Henry (they do fight, but I have never seen an older sibling be as loving and caring to a younger sibling as Jack - I even apologized to my younger brother for being such a bossy asshole when we were kids after witnessing how Jack is with Henry!). I 100% agree with you that the aspects of him that comprise the autism diagnosis are also the things that make him so deeply and wonderfully who he is.
YES! I keep wanting to write about awareness and consciousness. Adyshanti, Alan Watts and Sam Harris. Sam's app is SO fantastic. Cory and I often drive around listening to Watts talk and he's the most original thinker I've ever heard. It feels so freeing to know that I am not my ego, you know? Just letting go of all the stories and existing. It's the one thing I wish I could talk to Serge about. Letting go is the only way out, for sure. Some months I think I have it mastered and then I slip back into the ego stories and knee-jerk reactions. It requires such constant vigilance and awareness. I will always love Serge, regardless of how he feels about me. I know that. But maybe our story reached its conclusion and I need to be ok with that. It's so hard.
Violet and Jack sound similar. Violet is such an old soul. That's such a cliche but in their case, it's true. For such a solid, kind, compassionate, wise child to come from me just blows my mind. They talk with me about the philosophies behind veganism (I am vegan, they are vegetarian) Buddhism and other religions, life after death... and I just can't believe I got so lucky. I'm so happy you're having a similar experience with Jack. I know it isn't always easy. We've also had an IEP since Kindergarten and you constantly have to advocate for adjustments, but Violet has helped me see the world in an entirely new perspective, one I never would've realized without them being exactly who they are. And that's kind of what i'm realizing with the way things turned out with Serge. The pain I've experienced has forced me into a self-awareness and exploration that has led to leveling up my consciousness in ways I never would have if everything had stayed the same.
I appreciate your comments so much and could talk to you for hours about Sam Harris, Alan Watts etc and awareness, consciousness, dismantling societal constructs and neurocognition etc! Thank you for reading and commenting, I love it so much that I can connect with people like you through this writing. It truly is my ultimate goal here. You can also email me at any time at the address in the "About" section of my website, http://www.despiertatemonica.com/monica-bielanko/
You're doing awesome, Monica. You really are <3
I want to give you a giant bear hug right now...
CM and Larak said it already, but I'm going to reiterate that Serge's ghosting of you has only to do with what he's going through emotionally and nothing to do with you. Maybe someday, when he has the available emotional capacity, he'll be able to allow you back in enough to at least be friendly. All you can do is do your best to accept his lack of emotional availability since there's nothing you can do about it anyway. It's unfortunate for your children, and I hope that at some point he'll come around. The work you're doing on yourself is incredibly inspiring, though, and in the long run, is what'll help your kids and you thrive more that anything else.
Love to you.
Thank you, Hanni. I hope it gets better somehow. For now I just need to focus on honoring his trauma and where he is in his journey, which is not something I've always done. I tend to try to force issues with people.
I just don’t know how I would survive this joint custody thing without it being truly “joint.” My heart flips and cracks at the mere thought of being on the receiving end of such silence and pretend erasure. The mother in me is crushed for the mother in you.
Thank you for this. It's validating. I don't want it to seem like I'm monitoring his writing. I want him to write whatever he needs and wants to write, even if it involves negative perceptions of me. That one little paragraph about my son's birth was a gut punch, though.
If I was in your situation, I would be reading (and rereading) every single thing my ex published, hungry to know whatever I could about half my kids' lives, and the well-being of their dad.
I do. Sometimes I need to let some months go by until I dip in - as in this case when he wrote the Henry thing in Feb but I didn't see it until now - but ultimately I end up reading everything he writes if it's about the kids. I'm not sure if it's the mentally healthy approach or not but I am compelled.
Remember what Joan Didion said in regards to "The Mother of the Boy"
"We Tell Ourselves Stories in Order to Live"
You have not been erased... you don't have a place in his tales anymore, but you can never be erased. His need to survive is where your place once was... and that's okay.
There is a beauty to letting go.... once we do, the healing can begin.
You're not in his stories anymore. I know it hurts. But his tales on the present and future can never erase what has happened in the past and how that has brought about the present..
It's time to let go.
You should try boxing. It does wonders.
Also? This is supposed to hurt... because it's sad and it sucks.... but it is.
Love to you.
Also? You're a person who values justice and when something isn't fair, it bothers you and you stand up. It's a great quality!
However, as we keep clinging to this marble spinning on its axis, revolving around a ball of fire, we realize more and more that justice is a myth for the most part... and that really hurts.
It makes us mad and it makes us rail against it... all an exercise in futility until we learn that justice is in acceptance... that's where we find peace
Thank you so much, Katy, for reading and commenting. It is so appreciated and helpful.
"I don't have a place in his tales anymore. I'm not in his stories anymore." I totally understand this! If I didn't have children with this man I would be long gone. I wouldn't live in this state, I wouldn't be writing about him. He would not have a place in my tales anymore. Maybe. I'm ridiculously nostalgic about people. I don't know. It all just feels so extra and unnecessary. Life is hard enough. But the one thing I learned today is that I need to honor his trauma. Of which I am a part. And move on. It is sad. It sucks. It hurts. But I want to accept it and move on. I do! I'm trying so hard. But it's difficult to do that when you have three children in the mix, you know? It affects everything. Just having this post exist here is stressful. It feels cathartic, but stressful. Will it make things worse? Can they get worse? Does it matter at this point? This is the exhausting shit I wish didn't exist.
So I am trying this thing where when I can't say anything positive about someone, I STFU ;) ....... His tales to the internet are just that.... Tales. There's a modicum of truth, but for someone who garnered a lot of their audience from the person they're erasing, we know the deal.
Also? The four of you need to go to therapy together, because you know I have been down this treacherous highway, and they do need to make an effort to co-parent in a friendly manner, not just to keep things copacetic for the adults, but because all of the children involved need to see it, especially the ones who share parents. Your kids know what's going on, even if they don't talk about it. Having one parent hate the other seeps into everything and it can cause deep shame and pain for the little humans who got half of their DNA from the hated one. I know it's hard for him to grasp being benevolent and that not everything is *about* him, but it's not......... going to clam up now.... ;)
Adulting is hard.... he needs to learn how. When he and the new wife are out on their own, they can vent to one another and talk shit behind your back like normal people.
shit...... that wasn't very nice.
I would love to go to therapy with him and his wife… Shit, I’d just love to sit and have a beer with them and let them tell me everything they need to tell me so I can validate their feelings and apologize, if needed. I don’t think it will ever happen, though.
That's too bad and it kind of sucks. Maybe they'll realize that they need to do it for the family.... one day.
Monica, I've been searching you for years, (no, I am not a stalker.... or maybe a stalker of your writings). I could not find you on Social media and I only have serge on social media and I cannot find you in his writings anymore. I was really desperately looking for you and after years of looking for you finally I am here. I subscribe to you by the way, not on his blog. I have not finished reading this article and as I was reading I was wondering why it is called "the mother of the boy" and as I found out why I was/am enraged! Really? "The mother of the boy"??? how could he??? I followed both of your writings/life before and I could not believe he called you like that.
I feel like I could understand you base on what you write or share online.... or maybe because I too kind of identify your personality...
I am still in disbelief what serge wrote ....
I will finish reading your article...
Just to let you know that I have been a fan of your writings for so many years now, even before violet was born. ..
also... I am not a writer so I am not articulate. So I just say that I agree with the first commentators. Serge ghosting you is not about you but it's him... so don't be too hard on yourself. You are doing great!!!
I’m so glad you found me! Thank you so much for reading and commenting. Serge is a beautiful writer and you should totally subscribe to his writing! Very happy to have you here!
Fuck Serge.