Monica, I wish we lived nearer. I'd invite you out for a beer or a cold water swim and give you a hug. Of course you are sad. You have had choice taken away from you. You are having to paint the canvas which is now blank because you don't have answers. Every person I have let go of from my life, I have told why - if they asked. I feel I owe them that. Being cut off and ignored is the cruelest of all treatments because we are left with a million questions and no answers. It torments us, devastates us - at best it feels unfair and at worst it feels like we don't exist - never or never did. the kicker being - we have no control/no say in this! We have no voice. I hear how hard this is for you. I don't for one hot minute think Serge has erased you. he will remember you when a song plays, when he eats meal you loved, when he looks in the faces of your beautiful kids. When they say something that sounds exactly like you. It will wound him as if a dagger is going through him. Then he will regroup and freeze you out because it is his method of control - and his way of coping. If he were truly coping, he would try and negotiate a new pathway together - but for the moment (because life can change on a dime) he can't do that for whatever his reasons are. This, as weird as it may sound - isn't about you. Whatever YOU, you are now or are becoming. Or even about the old you. It is about what he projects on you. What he needs/thinks/feels and that is all bound up in how he learned to negotiate life. What you trigger in him. That maybe came from something his Mom did back when he was like 6... The hardest lesson in life to learn is that w can't control other people, just our reaction to what they do. You are trying to do work on yourself and your curiosity and investigations into self are amazing. Row your own boat. Who knows where it will take you. PS I love Smartless and the George Clooney one literally had me almost piss my pants. LOVE xx
Oh, Monica. This is truly heartbreaking. I have had a so-called parasocial relationship with you since Violet was a baby. I've read your and Serge's blogs, followed you both as you began writing for various web publications, and on social media for many, many years. I relate to you and Serge in so many ways, and my life has had a similar trajectory on a similar time frame, with the marriage, the babies (my boys Jack and Henry are 12 and almost 10 now - about your Violet and Henry's ages), and then the divorce (I was also surprised to hear about Violet's diagnosis, as my older son has autism as well, but was diagnosed at 2 years old). I deeply appreciate your writing, and you have helped me in so many ways navigate my own journey through motherhood, divorce, and life on the other side. I was so happy to find you again here after you disappeared for a while.
Hear this from me please: the way you are feeling about how Serge has chosen to handle his relationship with you and how he wrote about you is NOT the BPD. What he is doing is NOT your fault. It is NOT you. It is him, his own shit and his own trauma. I just wanted to say that I see you, and everything you are feeling about that situation is 100% "normal" and it really did make me cry to hear that he has made the choice to cut you out of his life (as if he could really do that). Ultimately it is to his detriment (and his children's), and it will not serve him well as time goes on. But all you can do is keep going and care for yourself and your kids and those who love you as best you can. Please try to be gentle and kind with yourself (I know that is way easier said than done). You are a wonderful human, flaws and all, and this is just not about you in any way. I'm really proud of you for all the work you are doing on yourself. You're an inspiration, and I will continue to be here to enjoy your writing and watch you grow as long as you are putting it out there. If you're ever in Santa Fe, NM, let me know and I'll take you for a beer.
CM and Larak said it already, but I'm going to reiterate that Serge's ghosting of you has only to do with what he's going through emotionally and nothing to do with you. Maybe someday, when he has the available emotional capacity, he'll be able to allow you back in enough to at least be friendly. All you can do is do your best to accept his lack of emotional availability since there's nothing you can do about it anyway. It's unfortunate for your children, and I hope that at some point he'll come around. The work you're doing on yourself is incredibly inspiring, though, and in the long run, is what'll help your kids and you thrive more that anything else.
I just don’t know how I would survive this joint custody thing without it being truly “joint.” My heart flips and cracks at the mere thought of being on the receiving end of such silence and pretend erasure. The mother in me is crushed for the mother in you.
May 23, 2022·edited May 23, 2022Liked by Monica Danielle
Remember what Joan Didion said in regards to "The Mother of the Boy"
"We Tell Ourselves Stories in Order to Live"
You have not been erased... you don't have a place in his tales anymore, but you can never be erased. His need to survive is where your place once was... and that's okay.
There is a beauty to letting go.... once we do, the healing can begin.
You're not in his stories anymore. I know it hurts. But his tales on the present and future can never erase what has happened in the past and how that has brought about the present..
It's time to let go.
You should try boxing. It does wonders.
Also? This is supposed to hurt... because it's sad and it sucks.... but it is.
Monica, I've been searching you for years, (no, I am not a stalker.... or maybe a stalker of your writings). I could not find you on Social media and I only have serge on social media and I cannot find you in his writings anymore. I was really desperately looking for you and after years of looking for you finally I am here. I subscribe to you by the way, not on his blog. I have not finished reading this article and as I was reading I was wondering why it is called "the mother of the boy" and as I found out why I was/am enraged! Really? "The mother of the boy"??? how could he??? I followed both of your writings/life before and I could not believe he called you like that.
I feel like I could understand you base on what you write or share online.... or maybe because I too kind of identify your personality...
I am still in disbelief what serge wrote ....
I will finish reading your article...
Just to let you know that I have been a fan of your writings for so many years now, even before violet was born. ..
Monica, I wish we lived nearer. I'd invite you out for a beer or a cold water swim and give you a hug. Of course you are sad. You have had choice taken away from you. You are having to paint the canvas which is now blank because you don't have answers. Every person I have let go of from my life, I have told why - if they asked. I feel I owe them that. Being cut off and ignored is the cruelest of all treatments because we are left with a million questions and no answers. It torments us, devastates us - at best it feels unfair and at worst it feels like we don't exist - never or never did. the kicker being - we have no control/no say in this! We have no voice. I hear how hard this is for you. I don't for one hot minute think Serge has erased you. he will remember you when a song plays, when he eats meal you loved, when he looks in the faces of your beautiful kids. When they say something that sounds exactly like you. It will wound him as if a dagger is going through him. Then he will regroup and freeze you out because it is his method of control - and his way of coping. If he were truly coping, he would try and negotiate a new pathway together - but for the moment (because life can change on a dime) he can't do that for whatever his reasons are. This, as weird as it may sound - isn't about you. Whatever YOU, you are now or are becoming. Or even about the old you. It is about what he projects on you. What he needs/thinks/feels and that is all bound up in how he learned to negotiate life. What you trigger in him. That maybe came from something his Mom did back when he was like 6... The hardest lesson in life to learn is that w can't control other people, just our reaction to what they do. You are trying to do work on yourself and your curiosity and investigations into self are amazing. Row your own boat. Who knows where it will take you. PS I love Smartless and the George Clooney one literally had me almost piss my pants. LOVE xx
Oh, Monica. This is truly heartbreaking. I have had a so-called parasocial relationship with you since Violet was a baby. I've read your and Serge's blogs, followed you both as you began writing for various web publications, and on social media for many, many years. I relate to you and Serge in so many ways, and my life has had a similar trajectory on a similar time frame, with the marriage, the babies (my boys Jack and Henry are 12 and almost 10 now - about your Violet and Henry's ages), and then the divorce (I was also surprised to hear about Violet's diagnosis, as my older son has autism as well, but was diagnosed at 2 years old). I deeply appreciate your writing, and you have helped me in so many ways navigate my own journey through motherhood, divorce, and life on the other side. I was so happy to find you again here after you disappeared for a while.
Hear this from me please: the way you are feeling about how Serge has chosen to handle his relationship with you and how he wrote about you is NOT the BPD. What he is doing is NOT your fault. It is NOT you. It is him, his own shit and his own trauma. I just wanted to say that I see you, and everything you are feeling about that situation is 100% "normal" and it really did make me cry to hear that he has made the choice to cut you out of his life (as if he could really do that). Ultimately it is to his detriment (and his children's), and it will not serve him well as time goes on. But all you can do is keep going and care for yourself and your kids and those who love you as best you can. Please try to be gentle and kind with yourself (I know that is way easier said than done). You are a wonderful human, flaws and all, and this is just not about you in any way. I'm really proud of you for all the work you are doing on yourself. You're an inspiration, and I will continue to be here to enjoy your writing and watch you grow as long as you are putting it out there. If you're ever in Santa Fe, NM, let me know and I'll take you for a beer.
<3 Lara
I want to give you a giant bear hug right now...
CM and Larak said it already, but I'm going to reiterate that Serge's ghosting of you has only to do with what he's going through emotionally and nothing to do with you. Maybe someday, when he has the available emotional capacity, he'll be able to allow you back in enough to at least be friendly. All you can do is do your best to accept his lack of emotional availability since there's nothing you can do about it anyway. It's unfortunate for your children, and I hope that at some point he'll come around. The work you're doing on yourself is incredibly inspiring, though, and in the long run, is what'll help your kids and you thrive more that anything else.
Love to you.
I just don’t know how I would survive this joint custody thing without it being truly “joint.” My heart flips and cracks at the mere thought of being on the receiving end of such silence and pretend erasure. The mother in me is crushed for the mother in you.
Remember what Joan Didion said in regards to "The Mother of the Boy"
"We Tell Ourselves Stories in Order to Live"
You have not been erased... you don't have a place in his tales anymore, but you can never be erased. His need to survive is where your place once was... and that's okay.
There is a beauty to letting go.... once we do, the healing can begin.
You're not in his stories anymore. I know it hurts. But his tales on the present and future can never erase what has happened in the past and how that has brought about the present..
It's time to let go.
You should try boxing. It does wonders.
Also? This is supposed to hurt... because it's sad and it sucks.... but it is.
Love to you.
Monica, I've been searching you for years, (no, I am not a stalker.... or maybe a stalker of your writings). I could not find you on Social media and I only have serge on social media and I cannot find you in his writings anymore. I was really desperately looking for you and after years of looking for you finally I am here. I subscribe to you by the way, not on his blog. I have not finished reading this article and as I was reading I was wondering why it is called "the mother of the boy" and as I found out why I was/am enraged! Really? "The mother of the boy"??? how could he??? I followed both of your writings/life before and I could not believe he called you like that.
I feel like I could understand you base on what you write or share online.... or maybe because I too kind of identify your personality...
I am still in disbelief what serge wrote ....
I will finish reading your article...
Just to let you know that I have been a fan of your writings for so many years now, even before violet was born. ..
Fuck Serge.