Well done on the sobriety journey! Also have you seen Jodie F in Nyad? I thought she looked incredible, she is soooo fit and strong. Her arms are amazing.
When I was in 7th grade, I started wearing Bonnie Bell lip gloss. That’s what the pretty girls were wearing, and I wanted to be one. I hadn’t really noticed my lips before, but with lip gloss on they stood out in what I guessed, from magazine ads and the junior high hallways, was a good way. But after I’d worn it a few days, my lips started to stand out to me when I didn’t have the gloss on, too. They looked thinner, duller. My naked lips made my whole face look plainer than I’d ever noticed it was before. When I could feel the gloss had faded or been licked away, I’d have trouble focusing on whatever conversation I was in. My inner thought was just “gloss gloss gloss” until I could find a discreet moment to dig into my pocket and smear more across my lips. Then there’d be a flash of relief once this tiny pretty costume was hiding my plain lips.
It is 38 years later, and I rarely leave the house without tinted Chapstick on my lips AND in my pocket. That is the biggest reason I won’t do Botox (or wear Spanx/Skimms/tightasfuck undergarments)—because of how I know it will make me feel later, when it fades and I am left with The Real Me. It is already hard enough, out in the world and inside my head.
You are blessed with beauty that does not need hair... I say this as a someone who aged 14 (crucial age) had a short haircut and the woman giving me change at an ice rink said 'there's your change son.' It ruined me. Vanity took over... I love this because - who ever said that women need to look young? Who the hell started that little rule of thumb? Because I have earned these lines. I have endured 2 C sections. Those drunken night scars are a sign of youth. Ditto my tattoo from Phil on the Hill in New Zealand. Anyway, congrats on your sobriety - those photos show you looking more content. A glow from within. I am not sober but I drink far less and the impact on my sleep is worth it alone. Keep going! xx
... and that girls NEED to be pretty. I never realised until my first year of secondary school (age 12) that looks were currency. That girls were judged on how they looked. The boys routinely would call me a 'dog' and ask why I was standing next to my much prettier best friend. My self worth was destroyed at a very young age - that feeling of not being 'enough.' That I need to look a certain way to fit in. To be lovable. Honesty it's a travesty. Why was the male gaze even relevant? Why was I taught that I needed a 'good man.' Thankfully my own daughter has played soccer (only girl on the team of boys) and for Spurs U14s and has never once thought that being female in any way was a setback - as she takes boys out on the pitch with a great tackle... I'm raising her to know her value is in her ability to empathise, using her brain, and most of all valuing herself simply or who she is.
I loved reading this piece...I've been feeling really angry towards our culture and all the pressure it puts on women to maintain their youth. Seeing Pamela over the past year find some peace and be out and about without makeup has been so profound and inspiring. It gives me hope that maybe someday I can break away from those expectations too.
Yes to every word. ILY.
Well done on the sobriety journey! Also have you seen Jodie F in Nyad? I thought she looked incredible, she is soooo fit and strong. Her arms are amazing.
When I was in 7th grade, I started wearing Bonnie Bell lip gloss. That’s what the pretty girls were wearing, and I wanted to be one. I hadn’t really noticed my lips before, but with lip gloss on they stood out in what I guessed, from magazine ads and the junior high hallways, was a good way. But after I’d worn it a few days, my lips started to stand out to me when I didn’t have the gloss on, too. They looked thinner, duller. My naked lips made my whole face look plainer than I’d ever noticed it was before. When I could feel the gloss had faded or been licked away, I’d have trouble focusing on whatever conversation I was in. My inner thought was just “gloss gloss gloss” until I could find a discreet moment to dig into my pocket and smear more across my lips. Then there’d be a flash of relief once this tiny pretty costume was hiding my plain lips.
It is 38 years later, and I rarely leave the house without tinted Chapstick on my lips AND in my pocket. That is the biggest reason I won’t do Botox (or wear Spanx/Skimms/tightasfuck undergarments)—because of how I know it will make me feel later, when it fades and I am left with The Real Me. It is already hard enough, out in the world and inside my head.
Loved this one, thank you for your words as always
You are blessed with beauty that does not need hair... I say this as a someone who aged 14 (crucial age) had a short haircut and the woman giving me change at an ice rink said 'there's your change son.' It ruined me. Vanity took over... I love this because - who ever said that women need to look young? Who the hell started that little rule of thumb? Because I have earned these lines. I have endured 2 C sections. Those drunken night scars are a sign of youth. Ditto my tattoo from Phil on the Hill in New Zealand. Anyway, congrats on your sobriety - those photos show you looking more content. A glow from within. I am not sober but I drink far less and the impact on my sleep is worth it alone. Keep going! xx
... and that girls NEED to be pretty. I never realised until my first year of secondary school (age 12) that looks were currency. That girls were judged on how they looked. The boys routinely would call me a 'dog' and ask why I was standing next to my much prettier best friend. My self worth was destroyed at a very young age - that feeling of not being 'enough.' That I need to look a certain way to fit in. To be lovable. Honesty it's a travesty. Why was the male gaze even relevant? Why was I taught that I needed a 'good man.' Thankfully my own daughter has played soccer (only girl on the team of boys) and for Spurs U14s and has never once thought that being female in any way was a setback - as she takes boys out on the pitch with a great tackle... I'm raising her to know her value is in her ability to empathise, using her brain, and most of all valuing herself simply or who she is.
I loved reading this piece...I've been feeling really angry towards our culture and all the pressure it puts on women to maintain their youth. Seeing Pamela over the past year find some peace and be out and about without makeup has been so profound and inspiring. It gives me hope that maybe someday I can break away from those expectations too.