Thank you for reading. With SO much stuff online these days I am amazed people are taking the time to read something so lengthy. If you care to share more, I would love to hear your story as well. When/if you ever feel comfortable enough to share bits and pieces here.
From the very depths of my heart, thank you for this comment. It feels very scary to be online in this capacity but these comments and exchanges make it so worth it. I really appreciate you reading and commenting. And yes, Rebecca truly is a gem. Even better than she seems within her writing. A magic, free spirit who tries to lift up everyone around her.
I'm glad you're back. It's a drag getting old in that it takes us so long to get over ourselves and our conditioning to really accept the kaleidoscope of our personalities and experiences. I've been in therapy FOREVER and in my 20s, would totally dismiss the damage of my childhood and the lack of what I needed from the people who were supposed to protect me. It was a long time ago. It's fine. I'm fine.
Then one day I just let myself mourn and cry for what happened and what didn't. Then I accepted that I'm wounded and though it scars, there is still a scab in the bubbly pink middle that I can pick at and resume the bleeding.
You're on the right road.... soon you're going to stop caring about what other people think, and just care for them... even if they're megadicks who call you a psycho bitch. The best bitches are psycho.
Also? We're conditioned to accept unexceptional men as exceptional. I've been in many o'board rooms with some of the biggest dummies with the fattest paychecks and titles. When they're challenged by more exceptional women, they lob labels around in order to hold their positions. The most cunning women will agree because they know that's how the game is played.
At risk of sounding like an earnest, overly emotional, peri-menopausal lady I have to tell you that this comment made me cry. I read it at a traffic light after dropping my kids off at school. I have been so trepidatious about not just writing online, but revealing all the therapy/mental illness stuff. I came to the conclusion that I want to talk to other people who are going through what I'm going through and if I'm not going to reveal myself there is no point in writing.
Your comment is everything I could've ever hoped for. And yes... That has been a large part of my therapy: Grieving for what happened and what didn't. I don't need to be a tough girl about it, I don't need to question myself and get all defensive, just fucking let myself be sad for what happened and what didn't - especially regarding my relationship with my parents.
Yes yes yes! There is so much strength in honoring our sadness! It's not hate. It's no blame... It's sadness...and it's liberating to let yourself feel it.
I grew up in a time and place where mental health and issues with it were mostly ignored, and have my own demons because of that, so I definitely understand your struggle, and will always be here with a positive attitude and support
Hello sweet Damien! I am SO fuckin glad you're here. You make every conversation better. Thank you so much for your time, intellect and willingness to be open. I adore you from afar, always.
The same here. If we ever, somehow, find ourselves in the same physical place as one another I suspect it will be an amazing experience, but until that (hopefully) happens, I will be over here, doing my own thing, and having your back as you battle the world and all the injustices in it.
Monica, I'm so happy to be reading your writing again! And I have to say, yours and Rebecca's cross-over/connection/mind-melding is just too tremendous! I've been reading you both for over a decade and your truths about motherhood and relationships and womanhood have inspired, resonated, and helped me feel less alone many a time. Y'all are the kind of women I want to be and want to be surrounded by! So I say, bring on the coven. And perhaps, we could all just create a village somewhere where we can speak our truths and yell our anger and lift each other up! What a dream!
Anyway, thanks, as always, for your words, because, I suspect, we're all worried that we're more fucked up than we realise. And ya know, that might be where the magic lies - in the fucked-up-ness?!
Also, I think you're going to be an incredible therapist!
Hey! Thank you for being here and for your kind words! I also read Rebecca for a decade before we started speaking. She truly is an astoundingly brave and bold human who is even better than her writing, if that's possible. Pure gold. She is a cultivator of covens and has inspired that desire within me. I'm hoping to create a little village here. Covid has been weird and isolating and even when we're not all at home hiding from viruses life details have a way of stealing time and attention. Maybe this can be a place where we can check in with each other about our levels of fucked-upness? I hope so. I'm tired of performing and pretending. I hope this can become an online version of unbuttoning your pants after eating a huge meal and letting it all hang out.
I found you through the One and Only Rebecca Woolf. I have spent the last hour reading and re-reading your posts. Most of the time it felt like looking in a mirror. Oneness jumbled in an array of bold colors. I have mental illness— actually a rolodex of labels from c-PTSD, GAD, OCD hell!- now I’m wondering if I have Borderline. (I’ll need to forward this to my therapist because my go-to coping mechanism is intellectualizing the shit out of life around me. Making sense of chaos has kept me alive.) I am the nucleus of inherited chaos that I’m sifting through to break cycles and heal.
Another point of internet intersection is the notion of retuning to school in midlife to become a therapist. Interestingly, I started college as a psychology major but my Antisocial Personality Disorder sperm donor (aka abusive legal father) told me I would never make it (employing a rainbow of cruel insults and mind games.) He utilized every tool within his bloody claws to make sure I would drop out. TW: He has admitted to my brothers his goal was for me to commit suicide— presumably for sympathy. What a POS— the universe sausaged fingered me inside a wooden mother. A losing hand, indeed. Generations of misogyny ruining women in my fundamentalist family. Women donating their brains to unworthy toxic men and the handmaiden church. Under his eye.
I’m a natural isolationist because of flashbacks and trauma triggers so your paragraph on needing women both intrigues and frightens me. I have climbed the validation mountains only to have been push over cliffs or run over by Magnolia Home social climbers and backstabbers with communion wafers and red wine lingering in their gossip and spiritual bypassing tossed like coins for the unlucky. Superiority complexes are cement walls of certainty reinforced by prosperity gospel and god’s will.
These days I prefer the comfort of my bed with books, podcasts, & substacks. My risk free way of pretending deep friendships, albeit one-way and imaginary. BUT I’M SAFE DAMNIT! Anyway, I love your disorganized brain and honesty, it gives me permission to love and accept my own. Onward as Liz says. Still riding this wild life.
Still riding! I picture you riding a bucking Bronco like they do at the rodeo while we all cheer for you. Because we are cheering for you, you know? I'm also a natural isolationist. It doesn't help that society/men condition women to compete against each other instead rallying together. But the right women will change your life. Associating with strong women makes you stronger. I experience it every day now that I'm putting myself out there for the women I value. So I'm glad you're here. It sounds like you've been THROUGH IT and are working to figure it all out. That's what it's all about. From one mentally ill broad to another, hang in there, sister.
Reading this, I was surprised you chose a male therapist. Could you tell me more? I need a therapist desperately. I saw a male therapist when I was 18, after being assaulted and it did nothing for me. I'm 52 now and a nearly broken human being but "high functioning" and I just can't do it alone anymore. I've been continually hurt by men all my life and the thought of seeing a male therapist makes me sick but maybe a male therapist would have the inside story into why men do what they do?
Hi! Thanks for reading. I'm sorry to hear about the hard times you've gone through. Honestly, I am surprised I chose a male therapist and that's a great question. What happened was I tried to schedule appointments with a number of female therapists but since the pandemic, everyone is totally booked. I had sent an email to a practice where several therapists worked and the female therapists were full. A few days later one of the male therapists emailed back and said my email (wherein I mentioned mindfulness and consciousness) had intrigued him and while he knew I was seeking a female therapist he'd be happy to meet with me, if I wanted. There was something about the way he spoke that made me feel heard and at ease. Also, in full disclosure, the fact that he's an immigrant from India (he's been in America for more than a decade now) with a kind of eastern mentality helped. I did not want to see an older white man. Anyway, I decided to give him a shot and it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. Sure there are some things we talk about (aging, peri-menopause, pms etc) that aren't things he's experienced firsthand but he's just a wicked smart, compassionate, empathetic man who likes helping marginalized communities so it ended up being me surprised that he was interested in helping me, a middle-aged white lady. He's one of the good ones, for sure. But it sounds to me like you may feel safer with a woman therapist? Have you tried seeing a woman? Finding the right therapist is hard. It's almost like dating. I've seen many that didn't work for me.
Thank you for this. It hits deeply, repeatedly.
Thank you for reading. With SO much stuff online these days I am amazed people are taking the time to read something so lengthy. If you care to share more, I would love to hear your story as well. When/if you ever feel comfortable enough to share bits and pieces here.
I will catch you, again and again!
I’m so proud of you, so inspired by your honesty, and selfishly blissful that you’re back again sharing with us.
I continue to be big fans of both you and Rebecca- both separately and together!
You two have been inspiring me and breaking my heart since (before) we all started having babies. 💛
Thank you for being a friend!
From the very depths of my heart, thank you for this comment. It feels very scary to be online in this capacity but these comments and exchanges make it so worth it. I really appreciate you reading and commenting. And yes, Rebecca truly is a gem. Even better than she seems within her writing. A magic, free spirit who tries to lift up everyone around her.
This post is such a gift! I especially love this mind blowing gem: "Seeking closure is a lie."
Right?! Closure is the anti-closure. Needing/seeking "closure" keeps you from true closure.
Yes, Queen, yes.
I'm glad you're back. It's a drag getting old in that it takes us so long to get over ourselves and our conditioning to really accept the kaleidoscope of our personalities and experiences. I've been in therapy FOREVER and in my 20s, would totally dismiss the damage of my childhood and the lack of what I needed from the people who were supposed to protect me. It was a long time ago. It's fine. I'm fine.
Then one day I just let myself mourn and cry for what happened and what didn't. Then I accepted that I'm wounded and though it scars, there is still a scab in the bubbly pink middle that I can pick at and resume the bleeding.
You're on the right road.... soon you're going to stop caring about what other people think, and just care for them... even if they're megadicks who call you a psycho bitch. The best bitches are psycho.
Sending you love!
Also? We're conditioned to accept unexceptional men as exceptional. I've been in many o'board rooms with some of the biggest dummies with the fattest paychecks and titles. When they're challenged by more exceptional women, they lob labels around in order to hold their positions. The most cunning women will agree because they know that's how the game is played.
It's time to redraw the field.
Oh, giiiirrrrrl. Buckle up. We have A LOT to talk about.
At risk of sounding like an earnest, overly emotional, peri-menopausal lady I have to tell you that this comment made me cry. I read it at a traffic light after dropping my kids off at school. I have been so trepidatious about not just writing online, but revealing all the therapy/mental illness stuff. I came to the conclusion that I want to talk to other people who are going through what I'm going through and if I'm not going to reveal myself there is no point in writing.
Your comment is everything I could've ever hoped for. And yes... That has been a large part of my therapy: Grieving for what happened and what didn't. I don't need to be a tough girl about it, I don't need to question myself and get all defensive, just fucking let myself be sad for what happened and what didn't - especially regarding my relationship with my parents.
Yes yes yes! There is so much strength in honoring our sadness! It's not hate. It's no blame... It's sadness...and it's liberating to let yourself feel it.
For sure. If a kind of closure exists it's found in letting yourself grieve what happened or didn't happen within a relationship and then moving on.
Thank you for sharing your story, and struggle.
I grew up in a time and place where mental health and issues with it were mostly ignored, and have my own demons because of that, so I definitely understand your struggle, and will always be here with a positive attitude and support
Hello sweet Damien! I am SO fuckin glad you're here. You make every conversation better. Thank you so much for your time, intellect and willingness to be open. I adore you from afar, always.
The same here. If we ever, somehow, find ourselves in the same physical place as one another I suspect it will be an amazing experience, but until that (hopefully) happens, I will be over here, doing my own thing, and having your back as you battle the world and all the injustices in it.
Monica, I'm so happy to be reading your writing again! And I have to say, yours and Rebecca's cross-over/connection/mind-melding is just too tremendous! I've been reading you both for over a decade and your truths about motherhood and relationships and womanhood have inspired, resonated, and helped me feel less alone many a time. Y'all are the kind of women I want to be and want to be surrounded by! So I say, bring on the coven. And perhaps, we could all just create a village somewhere where we can speak our truths and yell our anger and lift each other up! What a dream!
Anyway, thanks, as always, for your words, because, I suspect, we're all worried that we're more fucked up than we realise. And ya know, that might be where the magic lies - in the fucked-up-ness?!
Also, I think you're going to be an incredible therapist!
Hey! Thank you for being here and for your kind words! I also read Rebecca for a decade before we started speaking. She truly is an astoundingly brave and bold human who is even better than her writing, if that's possible. Pure gold. She is a cultivator of covens and has inspired that desire within me. I'm hoping to create a little village here. Covid has been weird and isolating and even when we're not all at home hiding from viruses life details have a way of stealing time and attention. Maybe this can be a place where we can check in with each other about our levels of fucked-upness? I hope so. I'm tired of performing and pretending. I hope this can become an online version of unbuttoning your pants after eating a huge meal and letting it all hang out.
I found you through the One and Only Rebecca Woolf. I have spent the last hour reading and re-reading your posts. Most of the time it felt like looking in a mirror. Oneness jumbled in an array of bold colors. I have mental illness— actually a rolodex of labels from c-PTSD, GAD, OCD hell!- now I’m wondering if I have Borderline. (I’ll need to forward this to my therapist because my go-to coping mechanism is intellectualizing the shit out of life around me. Making sense of chaos has kept me alive.) I am the nucleus of inherited chaos that I’m sifting through to break cycles and heal.
Another point of internet intersection is the notion of retuning to school in midlife to become a therapist. Interestingly, I started college as a psychology major but my Antisocial Personality Disorder sperm donor (aka abusive legal father) told me I would never make it (employing a rainbow of cruel insults and mind games.) He utilized every tool within his bloody claws to make sure I would drop out. TW: He has admitted to my brothers his goal was for me to commit suicide— presumably for sympathy. What a POS— the universe sausaged fingered me inside a wooden mother. A losing hand, indeed. Generations of misogyny ruining women in my fundamentalist family. Women donating their brains to unworthy toxic men and the handmaiden church. Under his eye.
I’m a natural isolationist because of flashbacks and trauma triggers so your paragraph on needing women both intrigues and frightens me. I have climbed the validation mountains only to have been push over cliffs or run over by Magnolia Home social climbers and backstabbers with communion wafers and red wine lingering in their gossip and spiritual bypassing tossed like coins for the unlucky. Superiority complexes are cement walls of certainty reinforced by prosperity gospel and god’s will.
These days I prefer the comfort of my bed with books, podcasts, & substacks. My risk free way of pretending deep friendships, albeit one-way and imaginary. BUT I’M SAFE DAMNIT! Anyway, I love your disorganized brain and honesty, it gives me permission to love and accept my own. Onward as Liz says. Still riding this wild life.
Still riding! I picture you riding a bucking Bronco like they do at the rodeo while we all cheer for you. Because we are cheering for you, you know? I'm also a natural isolationist. It doesn't help that society/men condition women to compete against each other instead rallying together. But the right women will change your life. Associating with strong women makes you stronger. I experience it every day now that I'm putting myself out there for the women I value. So I'm glad you're here. It sounds like you've been THROUGH IT and are working to figure it all out. That's what it's all about. From one mentally ill broad to another, hang in there, sister.
💕💕💕thanks for the encouragement! we got this!
Reading this, I was surprised you chose a male therapist. Could you tell me more? I need a therapist desperately. I saw a male therapist when I was 18, after being assaulted and it did nothing for me. I'm 52 now and a nearly broken human being but "high functioning" and I just can't do it alone anymore. I've been continually hurt by men all my life and the thought of seeing a male therapist makes me sick but maybe a male therapist would have the inside story into why men do what they do?
Hi! Thanks for reading. I'm sorry to hear about the hard times you've gone through. Honestly, I am surprised I chose a male therapist and that's a great question. What happened was I tried to schedule appointments with a number of female therapists but since the pandemic, everyone is totally booked. I had sent an email to a practice where several therapists worked and the female therapists were full. A few days later one of the male therapists emailed back and said my email (wherein I mentioned mindfulness and consciousness) had intrigued him and while he knew I was seeking a female therapist he'd be happy to meet with me, if I wanted. There was something about the way he spoke that made me feel heard and at ease. Also, in full disclosure, the fact that he's an immigrant from India (he's been in America for more than a decade now) with a kind of eastern mentality helped. I did not want to see an older white man. Anyway, I decided to give him a shot and it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. Sure there are some things we talk about (aging, peri-menopause, pms etc) that aren't things he's experienced firsthand but he's just a wicked smart, compassionate, empathetic man who likes helping marginalized communities so it ended up being me surprised that he was interested in helping me, a middle-aged white lady. He's one of the good ones, for sure. But it sounds to me like you may feel safer with a woman therapist? Have you tried seeing a woman? Finding the right therapist is hard. It's almost like dating. I've seen many that didn't work for me.
As we are allowed to say, because we deal with it every day.... we crazy and/or coo-coo. Love to you!